My schedule isn’t half as jam-packed as it used to be in my past sobriety and I don’t necessarily think I’m wearing myself too thin… yet. I feel it coming on if I don’t try to stop adding things on. So far my schedule looks something along the lines of this: On weekdays, I go to school from 7:30-2:30 and catch a meeting around 8pm. On Mondays, I have orchestra rehearsal from three o’clock until five, which is when my bass teacher then picks me up from school and we go back to the house for an hour long lesson. UIL contest is in a week on next Saturday, so we’ve really been preparing for contest with our picked pieces as well as sight-reading.

Wednesdays, I report to my Probation Officer, followed by a women’s meeting on that side of town with my sponsor and then I go out to dinner with them. For now, that’s my set schedule aside from the TAKS tutorials on Saturdays. Sunday, I try to go to a meeting as well. Next year is going to be a struggle though. I have the rough draft of my courses picked out and it seems like it will most definitely be a challanging year, but I’m up for it.

My year should consist of Orchestra, Newspaper (I’ll be a reporter, next year I’m an editor.), Chemistry, US History, English IV, and Algebra II. It’s flexible, so that’s a good thing, especially since next year in August, I REALLY want to try out for Volleyball. Plus, after this first month of probation (which I have a week left for it to be a full month), I’m allowed to go job hunting! Yay! I’m thinking retail for now just to get me on my feet. Fast food is not an option, simply because it’d probably make me super sick to my stomach.

I’m also trying to get some college credit before I actually apply, that way I’ll have a good start. In Texas, we have dual-credit high school courses, which is where you can take ONE class and it counts as both high school and college credit. I’m doing that for US History and English IV. So yeah, next year will definitely be intense but I’m looking forward to staying busy with school, work, and orchestra. That way I’ll have structure and be pretty grounded.

Lately, a lot of old people from my past have been popping up. Mostly ex-boyfriends. The boy I was so anxious to see that came back to school last week and I are alright. I’m trying to keep our friendship strictly at school, and so far it’s working. I guess it helps that I’m on house arrest. A really good friend of mine I’ve known since I was 12 also popped up out of nowhere the other day and we had a really nice talk and we plan to keep in touch. Now that he’s 18 and I’m 17, we’re bound to see each other soon because I’m planning a road trip to go see him once I get my license. Eventually. All things will happen in good time.

Then there’s the biggest person of all that’s back around. I hadn’t heard from him in year, due to being locked up. He lives near me and him and I were REALLY close. We went through a lottt of things, including relapsing together. Well, I saw some of his family at a meeting the other day. It was actually the same meeting where I had met him. Long story short, his family’s trying to get back on their feet again. So I exchanged numbers with his sister and when I called her, he picked up the phone. We talked for less than a minute because he was fixing light fixtures, but it was so nice to hear from him…

He’s not “completely sober” in his words, but he said it’s working for him. I’m not quite sure if it really is or not, but I really hope it is for I wish him ONLY the best in life. After we talked, I had a lot of old feelings come up. When I first saw his family there, I almost cried. Seriously. It was so weird, because I hadn’t seen them in SO long and I was just scared of what they would think. But I shared and after the meeting, they said I looked and acted SO much healthier. Yay. I just wish things could change for him like they did for me. And they might… They might not. Whatever happens, it’s God’s will.

The feelings I felt regarding him were most along the lines of guilt and shame than of happiness and joy. That bothered me. I really don’t know what to think right about now… I’ve had thoughts of calling him, but I’m still undecided. I do, however, remember that when I saw his family in that meeting, all I could thing was: “Okay, God, you can STOP throwing crap at me now!!” And it was funny at first until I realized that now I have to deal with my feelings. Real, gut-wrenching feelings, not just superficial “Oh, I’m mad. What am I really feeling?” feelings.

I have a lot of old resentments coming up recently, and I’ve been working my hardest to deal with them along with God. I do, however, know that resentments are the number one offender and they lead only to a life a unhappiness and futility (page 64 of the Big Book). I have yet to talk to my sponsor about it yet. I’ve been waiting for her to be available for us to go over some step work so I can talk to her. Lately she has been very busy. I saw her today at a meeting and she had to go straight to work. After she chewed me out about not calling her last night.

Last night, I went to a Geek Gathering at Coffeegroundz. It wasn’t bad. I got to meet a lot of my dad’s friends who helped him with putting up posters from when I had ran away. It was kind of a celebration of my homecoming, was what dad said.

Tonight, I’m going to a play about a teenage girl and her venture through the social media world. It’s called Wallflower. I’m excited to see how it all goes, and I’ve promised to blog and review it afterwards. I have lost of ideas for what I want to do with this blog, it’s just putting into action that is the hard part.

I want to start doing music reviews not only because music is my number one passion, but because I need practice for Newspaper next year as well as it’d be a GREAT opportunity to combine both my main passions in life – writing and music. So I’ve got some things in mind. I actually really want to do a Self-Injury article again after watching The Secret Cut that came out this year for Self-Injury Awareness Day. It was really good, and I really want to reach out to other self-injurers.

Like I said before, it’s just a matter of putting my plans into action. There’s a lot of things I want to happen here and they should be happening soon.

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The boy I was so anxious, nervous, and scared to see did end up coming back to school yesterday. I had a LOT of feelings, and it’s amazing how feelings can change from bad to good. When I first saw him, I walked right past him. He was in an administrator’s office and didn’t see me. I saw him again around lunch and I called him over, which was exactly what I said I would not do. I talked to him and asked him how he was doing and he gave me a HUGE hug. Afterwards, I felt like I had quite literally relapsed. I was confused as to why I felt that way – I felt a sense of loss.

What we had can never be again merely because I don’t want to be that same person again, and that’s my choice. Now I face the consequence like there are to every choice that every person makes. We’ve had a lot of memories and that will never change. But what can change is how I handle myself and how handle being around him. I hung out with him a little today and discovered he was still smoking marijuana. I realized that some things change, and some things don’t. After that realization, I thought, “Well, maybe this relationship isn’t meant to end if he’s back in my life.” And today, I mean relationship as friendship, not a physical, sexual relationship. Then I had the master idea to invite him to an AA meeting. We connected on a level today where we both really related to coming back to school after being gone for a while and no one really wants to be around him or me because of our past. That kind of hit me hard.

Then I wondered about how I’ve been doing as far as friends. I still have some old friends I still talk to and hang around even though they’ve seen me use. Even though they never used with me, they can still see a change in me. That’s comforting. Then I wondered how on Earth can I have all these awesome friends — Where did I meet all of these people that are with me today?!?! The answer was recovery. Not necessarily all my friends are from recovery, but most of the ones that still stick around are. That’s when I thought, “He was in the EXACT same position as me a week ago. What can I do to help him?” And that was when I realized I could share my recovery and knowledge with him. In AA, we talk about sharing our experience, strength and hope. Because I’ve been through so much and am now on the other side of it, I can work with others and help other people.

I have yet to actually invite him to a meeting, but after school, I told the boy that I had to talk to him and to give me a call after school. He hasn’t yet, and I don’t know if he will, but if he does, I’ll be here. All I can do is try, for you can lead the “horse” to the water, but there’s no way you can make him drink (my latest aphorism for the day).

I spent a lot of the day reminiscing about all the things he and I have been through. I remember the night he called me around 2 or 3 am, telling me he had just told his mom he was addicted to meth He was crying and I still remember his exact words, “Victoria, I need you.” Granted he might not still feel the same way about me (or I do about him), I still want to be there for him like I was before… Just without the drugs and other risky choices. Whether that’s my compassion for the human race, or me still wanting to hold onto the last little strand of our friendship, I have no idea. I do, however, think it’s for the greater good. Not just for me, but also for him. I realize today, that I can be there for people without getting extremely involved. I want to help and if he declines, I know that through God I WILL get through this, even if I do have to make it clear that we can’t speak to each other anymore.

I went to a meeting last night and got everything off my chest about him and how I felt like i had relapsed maybe not in drugs, but in old behaviours.. Now I realize that God can pull us through anything and bring us to the other side. I journalled a lot about the situation yesterday and even talked to my sponsor about it. I’ve decided to only keep our friendship at school, unless he wishes to attend an AA meeting with me. All in all, I’m here for him if he wants recovery and sobriety. The Victoria that he knew is no longer a part of me and I refuse to let that girl back in my life. I know that everything works out for the best according to God’s will and granted MY will says that I should be happy in ALL situations, I have to learn that some things don’t go the way we wish they would.

Today, that’s okay with me.

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I have come so far, and now I finally believe it myself. People told me this all the time, while I was in placement as well as soon as I got out but I never believed them until now. I have come from a trashy girl who could’ve give a flying flip about anything in life to a person who cares and tries to help the next suffering person. “You have to give it away in order to keep it,” is a powerful aphorism in AA. I don’t think I can convey words well enough to describe who I used to be, but I can certainly try. I was a very hateful, angry, selfish person. I did many things that today i look back at and instead of regretting them, I can learn from my mistakes. Today, rather than making mistakes and continuing to do so, I try to change what I did that was wrong to what might be right in God’s eyes.

I don’t have to be the same person I was before and I don’t have to continue to live that old lifestyle. That’s what changing in the RIGHT or GOOD direction is about. So many of us make mistakes, realize it, and continue to do the SAME thing. I strive to break that mold by experiencing God consciousness. God consciousness can be defined as simply being aware that He is in our presence. He’s watching out for us and He wants us to know he’s there.

Today, an old using friend of mine is supposed come back to school from wherever he went (Behaviour Learning Center or expulsion) and I’m pretty scared. Granted there might me a chance that he doesn’t come TODAY because he might have missed days there, the point is that I’m pretty much scared shitless. I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to associate with him, and I definitely do not want to be in the same building as him. Yet, the sad part is that he hasn’t the slightest clue of what’s in store for him. In fact, I don’t even think he knows I’m back yet, unless someone has told him. It’s not like I’m going to approach him and cuss him out, because he didn’t really do anything. In fact, that’s exactly right. He didn’t do anything! He’s still living the SAME way as when I left, and I have changed.

We were really close friends and I care about his well-being, but really… If I’m around that kind of lifestyle that I used to live, it won’t take long for me to go back. I simply cannot be around it. There’s a song I’m listening to that really reminds me of my situation…

“Breathe (2 AM)”

2 AM and she calls me ’cause I’m still awake,
“Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don’t love him. Winter just wasn’t my season”
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You’re all here for the very same reason

‘Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe… just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
“Just a day” he said down to the flask in his fist,
“Ain’t been sober, since maybe October of last year.”
Here in town you can tell he’s been down for a while,
But, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I’ll just sing about it.

Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe… just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There’s a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout ’cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to

But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

– Anna Nalick

My dad tells me that blogging is cheap therapy, and I believe that. Today, I have to breathe and take things as they come. Hopefully, I can prevent the mistakes that could happen with his home coming. I should probably stick to myself and surround myself with positive people… I have to make sure that I’m honest as well. Yesterday, I went to a local meeting and the topic was being honest with ourselves. That’s something I have to watch out for, because it’s JUST like me to try and be friends with this boy again and not tell anyone. I have to realize and keep it in my head that he’s not an example of what I want in my life, therefore I can’t do it. I just can’t. And yeah, it hurts, but I’m just going to have to get over it…

Change is vital.

I’m off to school.

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While we had intermission, dad started asking me questions about while I was on the streets. They were short and simple questions, yet for every answer I felt as if I had to explain myself in addition to a LOT of shame, guilt, and remorse. I talked about some of my “friends” I had while I was out there. When he asked me where I slept, I told him about different people telling me where to stay. Not only was there pang of the typical shame and guilt, but frustration at not being able to explain the way -I- wanted to.

I’ve been wanting to write a book, specifically a memoir, for years now. I started writing one while I was in rehab, called Life on the Streets, but my story is so much more than that, although that really is a huge chunk of all the terrible crap I had to go through to get here where I am now. Which kind of leads me to my next subject. Friends.

In AA, they say there’s only one thing we have to change: Everything. I’ve always liked that saying. When I talked earlier about feeling alone at school because I barely knew anyone and the people I DID know, were pretty much horrible influences, I was surprised at myself. I was in girl scouts for several years when I was in elementary school and the one thing I’m constantly reminded of is this:

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold.

– Girl Scout Song

We would all sing it, holding hands in a circle. But I think that there should be another part added onto simplified to, “make new friends, keep the GOOD old ones, and TRASH the ones that are negative influences.” How I would rearrange that into girl scout fitting song format, I have no idea. That’s my theory, though. I’ve been experiencing a LOT of anxiety actually lately, because an old friend of mine that was ALWAYS there for me, and I was ALWAYS there for him is coming back to school Monday.

He really should have been there when -I- got back, but apparently he got into a lot of trouble and was either expelled or put somewhere else. I have no idea what the story is. I am, however, feeling very scared about the entire situation. He got me into SO much trouble and was also a “drug buddy” of mine, regardless of how much we were really “here for each other.” I was expelled and put in Campus Alternative Educational Program because of him as well as getting kicked out of court ordered classes, and so on and so forth. I could definitely go on, but I’ll spare thee.

Anyway, my point is it’s going to be REALLY hard to deny him any friendship, attention, or even acknowledgement come Monday. I know if I do talk to him. even ask him how he’s doing, things won’t go well, because he’s still using and still doing the same things that I’ve moved away from. So I’m scared of being sucked right back into my old habits and behaviours. So I will most definitely be relying on God, AA, and my sponsor. I actually just talked to my sponsor and these were the gist of her words: It’s not like you can just run away from him when you see him, because y’all have a history. You can however, keep it strictly at school and make it VERY clear that you cannot hang out.” So really, maybe I’m just getting too scared for nothing, but I don’t know.

It’s the first time I’m facing wanting to hang out with someone old that actually wants to hang out as well. I’ve tried reconnecting with old GOOD influences, and most of them want nothing to do with me because of my past. Which doesn’t bother me, because that’s how life goes. People come and go… I guess it’s just that sometimes you don’t want them to go, and they don’t want you to go either. But when it’s best for the both of y’all, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. So I’m going to put my big girl pants on and deal with this crap head on.

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