Forgiveness usually stems from resentments, which we all know are in lament’s terms: bad. Not only does the big book say, “Resentment is the number one offender,” but also this:

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenanc e and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

Big Book pg. 66

These are my favorite words from the big book aside from the Acceptance prayer.. Okay well maybe the big book is just my favorite book of all times. That’s easier to say. So basically, what this saying is resentments will make you feel like crap. We tried to justify them, but it didn’t work. If we want to grow spiritually, harboring resentments won’t help for if we hang on to our resentments, we will be apart from God. Insanity will continue, and for us, drinking is deadly.

The second meeting I went to on forgiveness is probably what really struck a chord in me. The chairperson talked about how she used to hold resentments about a rape that happened eight years ago. Go figure. Rape is something I’ve been struggling a lot with as far as my feelings. Doctors say we go through a grief process: Denail and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. I believe the grief process is something that all of us go to not only when we lose people, but when we lose something. For me, I lost my drug and alcohol abuse – my main escape into oblivion. I’m now at acceptance with this. I lost my self-injury – I’ve definitely come to terms with this. But with death, it’s a whole different story. It’s so much harder for me to go through the loss of someone I knew, let alone a loved one than it is to grieve for my lost addictions.

Sometimes I think I’m still in denial with my rape. I think about how it happened and I’ll try to justify that it “wasn’t really rape, even if my boundaries were crossed.” I see the insanity in that, but a part of me sees the truth in it as well. I think rape is one of the hardest things to deal with because although there’s a definite line between rape and consensual sex, it’s a whole different story in the realm of molestion, rape, being taken advantage of, etc. etc.

Though I think I’ve dealt with my anger concerning the rape, and I believe I forgive the person, I still feel denial. I guess that’s what I don’t understand about the grief process. Here’s what I found on denial while googling the Grief Process.

Denial, for instance, is a defense mechanism people use to block the conscious recognition of specific information.

http://www.usd.edu/med/som/genetics/curriculum/4DGRIEF4.htm

That kind of hit me hard. So denial is simply a defense mechanism for blocking what really did happen… or did it happen? I guess that’s where I’m confused. I’ve written forgiveness letters to my rapist about how I forgive then and I won’t let them control my life anymore, but I still seem stuck on it. Which brings me to my next point.

The second meeting I was at on forgiveness, I took it more seriously and asked God to speak through other people to me. I think He did. One man talked about how he carried everything that burdens us around in a ten thousand pack of shit. We carry it around and drop off some of it in some places (telling people about it) and then just stuff it back in the sack. Ultimately, they were not letting go. I heard another man speak on how he carried around his little story, or past, in a wagon tied to a string. He spoke of how eventually he had to let go of the string.

I heard a lot of really good things in the meeting and now I think I realize something: I’ve been carrying this CRAP around with me for so long, telling anyone my sob story who will listen. I wanted to feel sorry for myself because it was more comfortable than trying to progress and make something or someone of myself. Today, I see myself as a young woman, trying to rise from the ashes. It’s hard, but I think the biggest think I need to learn is how to let go of things. If I can let go of this one last burden (okay, maybe not “one last”), then I could move on. There are still a lot of things I feel that hold me back. There’s also a list of things that I need to learn to accept and forgive.

There’s a song I REALLY like that I shared with my sponsor yesterday. It’s by a Christian band called Superchick about how God can bring us up out of whatever we’ve been through. Here’s the lyrics:

“Beauty From Pain”

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i’m alive but i feel like i’ve died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i’m slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can’t understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can’t see
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

That’s my processing for the day. On a lighter note, I had my first day of work yesterday. It was long and rather boring and I as only there for four hours. But it pays, and I don’t mind it that much. The guy I work for is a pretty neat guy, and there’s a lot of instruments to play around with while I’m there. Hell, I’m actually seriously thinking about taking up the banjo. They have a 5-string and several books. So I don’t know. Whatever happens, happens. And with that, I bid you adieu.

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Love and tolerance of others is our code.
– Page 64 of Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

I’ve tried to run AA/NA meetings on this topic, but it seems as if everytime I try, everyone else takes it as a chance to explain their quirks and pet peeves. That’s not what I want to talk about when I try to remind them that the code of AA really is pity, patience and tolerance. Along with acceptance. The lessons that AA gives up all tie into each other into a nice little package. After all, it is a SIMPLE program for complicated people.

One thing I fear the most is tolerating people. This is because a lot of the time, I just want to run away from all my “negative” feelings like being annoyed. I want to put a filter on all my hateful thoughts that come my way. Again quoting AA, one of the sayings is that you can’t control that first thought, but you can control what you do about it. Yesterday, I was really tested in the subject of tolerance and acceptance.

I had an arguement with my dad over petty decisions and it ended when I had to go upstairs, take a breather, and calm down. I’ve abused my father in the past, and I make it a daily thing to give my anger to God so that I don’t have to be that hateful person anymore. But today, all I could think was: “I cannot live with this man. It’s impossible. I’m going to end up getting into troube because I want to rebel, and I’ll get locked up again, and and and…” I automatically presumed the worst when really all I had to do was accept what he had to say, have a little patience and tolerance, and MOVE ON.

I journaled about it later when I was still upset, and said, “I’d rather be back at rehab than live in the free where I can mess up.” When I think back on this thought, I believe I must’ve been delirious. Or maybe I was just expressing how I really felt at the time without being any kind of rational. I think the point is that I seriously need to take a step back and realize that I’m NOT going to like everything everybody does, but I do have to accept it – especially if it’s an authority figure.

I’ve never liked authority figures. They intimidate me. And while my dad’s really and truly just a big teddy bear, he can scare the crap out of me and just plain piss me off. I don’t think it’s really HIM that makes me so angry, but my selfishness, self-centeredness, and the fact that I’m extremely egotystical – which is pretty much how all addicts are.

Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest …

What usually happens? The show doesn´t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn´t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame.

– Page 60 and 61 of Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

At this point in time, the actor (or actress in this case) is extremely frustrated. I want to blame others for the way I feel, I want to believe that life is not fair and doesn’t treat me right; I am not happy with the play at all. And this is where I must accept. There’s a bit in the Big Book that I absolutely love on acceptance, and I often find myself saying it. When I want to, anyway. Sometimes I think it’s OKAY to be a complete bitch to everyone and I hang on to my petty resentments, even if theyare the number one offender and lead only to a life of futility and unhappiness.

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

–Page 417 in Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book (Fourth Edition)

So today, I will choose to accept things that come my way. I’m allowed to be frustrated, but after feelings all aspects of it, I will give it to God, because he’s the only one who can deal with it HEALTHILY. Next time my dad and I get into altracations or conflicts, I will remind myself that I am not the director and that I need to just accept what he’s saying. After all, patience is a virtue, is it not? I believe we could all use a little patience in our life!

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***

I’ve hurt so bad in life.
All I knew before was the knife.
I now know better ways to cope,
When before I thought there was no hope.
The rape and the abuse,
The feeling of being so used.
I got through it all and now I can see,
God has something great in store for me.
I used to scream and cry,
Always asking, “God, why?”
But it wasn’t God’s doing, it was Hell on Earth,
Now I stand proud and say I fight on His turf.
I’m a soldier for God today,
And nothing will bring me down, nope, not this day.
I used to write sad rhymes,
Always thinking about the bad times.
But now I think about what’s good,
Instead of dwelling on life in the hood.
I was blind but now I see:
God has something great in store for me.

***

One of the hardest things for me to have done so far is to change the way I think. In that poem, I wrote about how I used to always dwell in the past. Basically, I never dealt with any of my feelings. Needless to say, my latest aphorism is: Deal, not dwell. In other words, I have to learn that my feelings are indeed valid and that it’s perfectly okay to feel them.

There’s a book out there called Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom. It’s about a man and his old sociology professor, Morrie, whom he goes to see when he gets sick with Lou Gherig’s disease, also known as ASL. The book is basically their last several meetings every Tuesday and speak on several different topics such as Death, Fear, Love, Marriage, and so on and so forth.

In Tuesdays With Morrie, Morrie talks about “detaching” from our feelings. I believe this can be summarized as this: Feel your feeling, envelop yourself in it, drown yourself in it, feel all the different aspects of it, and then just let it go. One of the aphorisms of AA is “Let Go And Let God.” I strongly believe that what must do with my feelings is feel them, get used to them, and then give it to God and don’t worry about it anymore.

I recently had a very personal surgical procedure and I was (for lack of better terms) scared shitless. This was less than a week ago. I found the surgery would take place about four or five days before it was to happen. That four or five day wait, I was an anxious, nervous, scared wreck. However, I felt my fear and did my best to give it to God. In AA, I was told several acronyms for ‘FEAR.’

Fuck Everything And Run
Face Everything And Recover

False Evidence Appearing Real

As the days went by, I decided I had to face my fears rather than running away from them. Finally, the day of my surgery arrived. Every time I sat in the hospital bed with my little gown on and got scared, I said a little prayer: “Okay God, I don’t want to feel afraid. Take it away from me. Amen” And it worked! I waited six hours until I could finally go into the surgery room and once they scooted me onto the surgery table, I said a prayer. The next thing I new I was waking up from my anesthetic sleep. Granted I was sore, the point is that they put me to sleep before I even had a chance to really feel afraid or anxious, which is indefinitely a blessing.

It just so happens that I’m actually a lot more blessed than I think I am. Go figure… He’s watching out for me.

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