Contest consists of two divisions – performance of prepared music and sight reading. Sight reading is my strong point and I love it. What happens is you get a piece of music that has never been seen by the orchestra before and we have seven minutes to go over it, shadow bow, look at key and time signatures and then play it. If you make any noise while going over the music, aside from asking the conductor questions, you are disqualified. I’m pretty nervous about that one; we have one rowdy bunch of orchestra kids in my class! The conductor can sing the different parts but there is absolutely no playing on the instruments until we play the entire piece. It’s exhilarating!

I’ve also been job hunting – it’s offically been approved by my Probation Officer. After a few days of getting applications and not turning them in, I think I’ve found the ideal job for me. I’ve done this job before and I love it. I want to teach music again. When I started high school, I was still in contact with my middle school orchestera director, and I’d have her refer incoming students to me for private lessons. I had about two or three clients I worked with once a week each and it was amazing. Being on house arrest, I would most likely have to have my students come to the hosue, and I’d also have to get back in touch with my middle school director, which I’m actually looking pretty forward to.

My old middle school director (Ms. C. I’ll call her) always rooted for me from day one. When I started playing, she got me passionate for the music along with my private music tutor. I have a lot of fond memories with my middle school orchestra, as well as not so great. I started in the beginner’s orchestra in sixth grade and by the end of the semester, I was moved to Intermediate – a first for the school to have a beginner move to a higher level in the middle of the year. 7th and 8th grade, I was first chair in the top orchestra as well as first chair regions in the 2004-2005 school year. I went to several camps and improved and improved.

Around seventh grade was when I started getting bad into drugs. I’d do them at school and then go to orchestra class. Ms. C has seen me so messed up out of my mind, but she’s always been there for me. I think I have an ammends to make. I would go to class messed up and have to leave to the nurses office, where my mom would then proceed to drive me to the ER to see if there was anything they could do. I’m so blessed and happy to say that I’ve cleaned up my act as well as my drug addiction.

Speaking of my mom, we had our visit and it was great. She left about two weeks ago and I was pretty sad to see her go, but I’ll most likely be going up there this summer and taking distance leaning courses through Texas Tech, to get some of my missing credits. Mom and I got to bond a lot and it was a lot of fun. We laughed, we played around, we just had a really good time. It was so nice. I’m beginning to think that with sobriety do healthy relationships really come.

All that aside, life has honestly been pretty up and down. My friend continues to tell me that I’m blowing her off, when really… My sobriety is more important than hanging out with friends. It’s irritating because I’d love to tell her that, but I don’t think that she would understand. She doesn’t drink or drug, but she’s also not in the program. She lives in the same town as my probation officer’s office, so everytime I go she asks if we can hang out. And everytime, I have to tell her that I go to women’s meeting with my sponsor and go to dinner afterwards. Which was amazing, by the way. Such a strong group of women!

I don’t know how all that will be resolved, but it’s in God’s hands and for now, I’m not going to worry about it.

I wrote this during my study hall period, and the bell is about to ring for my next class which happens to be English. My favorite! We’re still working on our research paper as well as reading Of Mice and Men. I read that book once in 8th grade and loved it. It’s really nice to read it again. Although I am on a roll and culd probably write for hours, class comes first and now I must depart. Farewell and have a BLESSED day.

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The boy I was so anxious, nervous, and scared to see did end up coming back to school yesterday. I had a LOT of feelings, and it’s amazing how feelings can change from bad to good. When I first saw him, I walked right past him. He was in an administrator’s office and didn’t see me. I saw him again around lunch and I called him over, which was exactly what I said I would not do. I talked to him and asked him how he was doing and he gave me a HUGE hug. Afterwards, I felt like I had quite literally relapsed. I was confused as to why I felt that way – I felt a sense of loss.

What we had can never be again merely because I don’t want to be that same person again, and that’s my choice. Now I face the consequence like there are to every choice that every person makes. We’ve had a lot of memories and that will never change. But what can change is how I handle myself and how handle being around him. I hung out with him a little today and discovered he was still smoking marijuana. I realized that some things change, and some things don’t. After that realization, I thought, “Well, maybe this relationship isn’t meant to end if he’s back in my life.” And today, I mean relationship as friendship, not a physical, sexual relationship. Then I had the master idea to invite him to an AA meeting. We connected on a level today where we both really related to coming back to school after being gone for a while and no one really wants to be around him or me because of our past. That kind of hit me hard.

Then I wondered about how I’ve been doing as far as friends. I still have some old friends I still talk to and hang around even though they’ve seen me use. Even though they never used with me, they can still see a change in me. That’s comforting. Then I wondered how on Earth can I have all these awesome friends — Where did I meet all of these people that are with me today?!?! The answer was recovery. Not necessarily all my friends are from recovery, but most of the ones that still stick around are. That’s when I thought, “He was in the EXACT same position as me a week ago. What can I do to help him?” And that was when I realized I could share my recovery and knowledge with him. In AA, we talk about sharing our experience, strength and hope. Because I’ve been through so much and am now on the other side of it, I can work with others and help other people.

I have yet to actually invite him to a meeting, but after school, I told the boy that I had to talk to him and to give me a call after school. He hasn’t yet, and I don’t know if he will, but if he does, I’ll be here. All I can do is try, for you can lead the “horse” to the water, but there’s no way you can make him drink (my latest aphorism for the day).

I spent a lot of the day reminiscing about all the things he and I have been through. I remember the night he called me around 2 or 3 am, telling me he had just told his mom he was addicted to meth He was crying and I still remember his exact words, “Victoria, I need you.” Granted he might not still feel the same way about me (or I do about him), I still want to be there for him like I was before… Just without the drugs and other risky choices. Whether that’s my compassion for the human race, or me still wanting to hold onto the last little strand of our friendship, I have no idea. I do, however, think it’s for the greater good. Not just for me, but also for him. I realize today, that I can be there for people without getting extremely involved. I want to help and if he declines, I know that through God I WILL get through this, even if I do have to make it clear that we can’t speak to each other anymore.

I went to a meeting last night and got everything off my chest about him and how I felt like i had relapsed maybe not in drugs, but in old behaviours.. Now I realize that God can pull us through anything and bring us to the other side. I journalled a lot about the situation yesterday and even talked to my sponsor about it. I’ve decided to only keep our friendship at school, unless he wishes to attend an AA meeting with me. All in all, I’m here for him if he wants recovery and sobriety. The Victoria that he knew is no longer a part of me and I refuse to let that girl back in my life. I know that everything works out for the best according to God’s will and granted MY will says that I should be happy in ALL situations, I have to learn that some things don’t go the way we wish they would.

Today, that’s okay with me.

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While we had intermission, dad started asking me questions about while I was on the streets. They were short and simple questions, yet for every answer I felt as if I had to explain myself in addition to a LOT of shame, guilt, and remorse. I talked about some of my “friends” I had while I was out there. When he asked me where I slept, I told him about different people telling me where to stay. Not only was there pang of the typical shame and guilt, but frustration at not being able to explain the way -I- wanted to.

I’ve been wanting to write a book, specifically a memoir, for years now. I started writing one while I was in rehab, called Life on the Streets, but my story is so much more than that, although that really is a huge chunk of all the terrible crap I had to go through to get here where I am now. Which kind of leads me to my next subject. Friends.

In AA, they say there’s only one thing we have to change: Everything. I’ve always liked that saying. When I talked earlier about feeling alone at school because I barely knew anyone and the people I DID know, were pretty much horrible influences, I was surprised at myself. I was in girl scouts for several years when I was in elementary school and the one thing I’m constantly reminded of is this:

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold.

– Girl Scout Song

We would all sing it, holding hands in a circle. But I think that there should be another part added onto simplified to, “make new friends, keep the GOOD old ones, and TRASH the ones that are negative influences.” How I would rearrange that into girl scout fitting song format, I have no idea. That’s my theory, though. I’ve been experiencing a LOT of anxiety actually lately, because an old friend of mine that was ALWAYS there for me, and I was ALWAYS there for him is coming back to school Monday.

He really should have been there when -I- got back, but apparently he got into a lot of trouble and was either expelled or put somewhere else. I have no idea what the story is. I am, however, feeling very scared about the entire situation. He got me into SO much trouble and was also a “drug buddy” of mine, regardless of how much we were really “here for each other.” I was expelled and put in Campus Alternative Educational Program because of him as well as getting kicked out of court ordered classes, and so on and so forth. I could definitely go on, but I’ll spare thee.

Anyway, my point is it’s going to be REALLY hard to deny him any friendship, attention, or even acknowledgement come Monday. I know if I do talk to him. even ask him how he’s doing, things won’t go well, because he’s still using and still doing the same things that I’ve moved away from. So I’m scared of being sucked right back into my old habits and behaviours. So I will most definitely be relying on God, AA, and my sponsor. I actually just talked to my sponsor and these were the gist of her words: It’s not like you can just run away from him when you see him, because y’all have a history. You can however, keep it strictly at school and make it VERY clear that you cannot hang out.” So really, maybe I’m just getting too scared for nothing, but I don’t know.

It’s the first time I’m facing wanting to hang out with someone old that actually wants to hang out as well. I’ve tried reconnecting with old GOOD influences, and most of them want nothing to do with me because of my past. Which doesn’t bother me, because that’s how life goes. People come and go… I guess it’s just that sometimes you don’t want them to go, and they don’t want you to go either. But when it’s best for the both of y’all, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. So I’m going to put my big girl pants on and deal with this crap head on.

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