I was once living on the streets and I had no other way to support my habit than to go sell my body. It’s a degrading thing to do, and today I still can’t seem to forgive myself. Yesterday I cried throughout the meeting because all I could think about was how I’ll never belong because of what I was and what I’ve been through. How wrong was I? I’m sitting in a group full of women who in one way or another, been through what I’ve been through and I was completely isolated by my own mechanisms. One thing that a woman shared with me is this: Isolation leads to fear, fear leads to anger, and anger leads back to our old ways like drinking, drugging, cutting, overeating, starving ourselves, and so on and so forth.

I really liked this because ultimately, I think that’s why I relapsed after being dry for thirteen months. I isolated like no other and even had people tell me it was to the point to where it was a character defect. Of course, I shut down and wouldn’t speak to them EVER again after that, because they hurt my feelings. It’s so true, though… My isolation in the past led to my fear of never being wanted. This made me angry because I was mad at myself for isolating and putting myself in the position to not be wanted. I eventually used again and repeating the alcoholic/addict cycle.

Another woman told me something else that I really related to and latched on to. I have eating issues. I either starve myself, or I’ll overeat and either feel disgusting or make myself throw it up. Lately I’ve been eating a LOT, and just not bother to throw it up. I’ve tried a couple times in all honesty, but it wasn’t satifying. Then one of the women told me I was overeating as a defense mechanism. I’ve gained 60lbs. since I quit smoking crack and now? I hide behind my weight, hoping no one will look at me yet at the same time craving that old attention. It’s a lose-lose situation. I’ve gained weight and am now unhealthy, I don’t want to be looked at, yet I still am. Go figure… I guess that’s just the way the world works., People will look, people will judge, and people will come to their own conclusions. Whether I’m an ugly duckiling or a beautiful swan doesn’t matter to other people. What matters is what I think of myself.

In the meeting yesterday, we also talked about success. One of the reasons I was crying was because I have been successful, but I feel like it’s not recognized. I’m off the streets, I have food to eat, I’m getting an education on IMPORTANT things, not the street life and gang banging knowledge. I don’t sell myself short, and I make people deserve waht they get from me. That’s a blessing. Yet, yesterday I felt so sad because I wasn’t recognized. Granted, I was in a meeting where the women don’t really know me on a personal level, I still wanted that recognition.

“Selfishness, self-centeredness. That, we thought, was the root of all our troubles.” is what the big book says. Maybe if I let these wonderful people in and become a part of my life, I’d feel recognized. But I think the important thing I learned last night is this: I was being selfish. “What about me?” I thought, “Why do all these people have such great things to be said about them and I don’t? Aren’t I special too?” I am. I just didn’t think about that at the time. Someone told me I was taking the aphorism, “Think, think, think” too literal. Really, the aphorism is meant to say: Think about something once, think about it twice, maybe even think about it a third time and then just STOP. That hit the nail on the head for me. I love to sit on my pity pot. I used to say I sat on it SO much that it was embellished with all my personal keepsakes, jewels, fur, whatever. The point I was trynig to get across was that I sat on it SO much, it had become my natural state. Yesterday, I feel into my old ways.

What did I do? I talked to my sponsor, I talked to other SOBER women in the program, and I got over myself. I got into the solution instead of wallowing in the problem. I have an appointment next Wednesday for the doctor to see if I need surgery again, and I asked a woman to go with me that’s very dear to me. She’s been through the same things as I have and knows where I’m coming from. Although, I’d love to think that’s RARE, it’s really not… If I sat in a group of women in sobriety and point blank said, “I smoked crack, I sold my body for it, and now I’m living with the consequences,” they’d all probably relate. THAT right there, is the beauty of alcoholics anonymous as well as narcotics anonymous.

Today, I try to live in the solution. A lot of the time I need reminders to stay there and it’s hard. But I’ve come so far for being where I was at. Most people can’t get out. It’s too hard for them. Today, I consider myself a survivor. I’m a strong, beautiful woman and I need to recognize that MYSELf more often…

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Jeremiah 18
At the Potter’s House
1 This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD : 2 “Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.” 3 So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. 4 But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.
5 Then the word of the LORD came to me: 6 “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?” declares the LORD. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel. 7 If at any time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be uprooted, torn down and destroyed, 8 and if that nation I warned repents of its evil, then I will relent and not inflict on it the disaster I had planned. 9 And if at another time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be built up and planted, 10 and if it does evil in my sight and does not obey me, then I will reconsider the good I had intended to do for it.

11 “Now therefore say to the people of Judah and those living in Jerusalem, ‘This is what the LORD says: Look! I am preparing a disaster for you and devising a plan against you. So turn from your evil ways, each one of you, and reform your ways and your actions.’

– Jeremiah 18:1-12 (New International Version)

Wow. What an impact that has on so many people.

We weave ourselves into such intricate ways in which none but God can “unweave” us. We put ourselves in situations where we just keep digging our hole deeper and deeper. All we want is a place where there’s no hurt, no pain, no judgment, no discontentment. But we can be mended!! What great news is that?

“It has to get worse before it can get better,”

That reminds me of the concept of “hitting rock bottom.” They say in AA that we must hit rock bottom before we can fully recover. On the other hand, there’s also a concept called “raising the bottom.” Some people that go into recover early haven’t experienced as much as others. For example, I haven’t had several husbands, gone through divorce, lost my kids, my job, and so on and so forth. I have hit rock bottom, but some people haven’t and for them, all I can say is be grateful!

We can and will be fixed and mended and made into more beautiful creatures than we could ever fathom. It’s almost as if we were once glass and were also completely shattered. Now, an amazing artist has noticed our brokenness and made something even more beautiful out of it as opposed to what it was at first. The artist is God. We are the clay and I truly believe we are to be molded. It’s a forgivable process, where we hurt and feel nothing but pain inside (hitting rock bottom or “getting worse before…”), but later on we are to be beautiful creatures of this Earth and we can function as normal human beings. What a concept!

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about promises that are given to us from God after we take the ninth step (making amends).

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

– Page 82 and 83 of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

Not only are there promises for addicts in the big book, but there are also promises in the Bible.

I believe that God meant for us to be happy, joyous and free. I don’t think he made us just so we could struggle and barely get by, for that’s not his will.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.

–Jeremiah 29:11-14

All in all… Being clay is what I need to work on. I thought I had it pretty good, trying to be stone, but you see stone is not malleable. The process is painful, but if I can fully rely on God to have control of my mind, body and spirit, I believe great things will happen. You reap what you sew. You get what you dish out. Karma’s a load sometimes, but if I do good (or at least make an effort), I know I’ll make it through. After all, if it weren’t for God looking out for me, I would have been dead several times over by now.

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Love and tolerance of others is our code.
– Page 64 of Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

I’ve tried to run AA/NA meetings on this topic, but it seems as if everytime I try, everyone else takes it as a chance to explain their quirks and pet peeves. That’s not what I want to talk about when I try to remind them that the code of AA really is pity, patience and tolerance. Along with acceptance. The lessons that AA gives up all tie into each other into a nice little package. After all, it is a SIMPLE program for complicated people.

One thing I fear the most is tolerating people. This is because a lot of the time, I just want to run away from all my “negative” feelings like being annoyed. I want to put a filter on all my hateful thoughts that come my way. Again quoting AA, one of the sayings is that you can’t control that first thought, but you can control what you do about it. Yesterday, I was really tested in the subject of tolerance and acceptance.

I had an arguement with my dad over petty decisions and it ended when I had to go upstairs, take a breather, and calm down. I’ve abused my father in the past, and I make it a daily thing to give my anger to God so that I don’t have to be that hateful person anymore. But today, all I could think was: “I cannot live with this man. It’s impossible. I’m going to end up getting into troube because I want to rebel, and I’ll get locked up again, and and and…” I automatically presumed the worst when really all I had to do was accept what he had to say, have a little patience and tolerance, and MOVE ON.

I journaled about it later when I was still upset, and said, “I’d rather be back at rehab than live in the free where I can mess up.” When I think back on this thought, I believe I must’ve been delirious. Or maybe I was just expressing how I really felt at the time without being any kind of rational. I think the point is that I seriously need to take a step back and realize that I’m NOT going to like everything everybody does, but I do have to accept it – especially if it’s an authority figure.

I’ve never liked authority figures. They intimidate me. And while my dad’s really and truly just a big teddy bear, he can scare the crap out of me and just plain piss me off. I don’t think it’s really HIM that makes me so angry, but my selfishness, self-centeredness, and the fact that I’m extremely egotystical – which is pretty much how all addicts are.

Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest …

What usually happens? The show doesn´t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn´t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame.

– Page 60 and 61 of Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

At this point in time, the actor (or actress in this case) is extremely frustrated. I want to blame others for the way I feel, I want to believe that life is not fair and doesn’t treat me right; I am not happy with the play at all. And this is where I must accept. There’s a bit in the Big Book that I absolutely love on acceptance, and I often find myself saying it. When I want to, anyway. Sometimes I think it’s OKAY to be a complete bitch to everyone and I hang on to my petty resentments, even if theyare the number one offender and lead only to a life of futility and unhappiness.

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

–Page 417 in Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book (Fourth Edition)

So today, I will choose to accept things that come my way. I’m allowed to be frustrated, but after feelings all aspects of it, I will give it to God, because he’s the only one who can deal with it HEALTHILY. Next time my dad and I get into altracations or conflicts, I will remind myself that I am not the director and that I need to just accept what he’s saying. After all, patience is a virtue, is it not? I believe we could all use a little patience in our life!

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***

I’ve hurt so bad in life.
All I knew before was the knife.
I now know better ways to cope,
When before I thought there was no hope.
The rape and the abuse,
The feeling of being so used.
I got through it all and now I can see,
God has something great in store for me.
I used to scream and cry,
Always asking, “God, why?”
But it wasn’t God’s doing, it was Hell on Earth,
Now I stand proud and say I fight on His turf.
I’m a soldier for God today,
And nothing will bring me down, nope, not this day.
I used to write sad rhymes,
Always thinking about the bad times.
But now I think about what’s good,
Instead of dwelling on life in the hood.
I was blind but now I see:
God has something great in store for me.

***

One of the hardest things for me to have done so far is to change the way I think. In that poem, I wrote about how I used to always dwell in the past. Basically, I never dealt with any of my feelings. Needless to say, my latest aphorism is: Deal, not dwell. In other words, I have to learn that my feelings are indeed valid and that it’s perfectly okay to feel them.

There’s a book out there called Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom. It’s about a man and his old sociology professor, Morrie, whom he goes to see when he gets sick with Lou Gherig’s disease, also known as ASL. The book is basically their last several meetings every Tuesday and speak on several different topics such as Death, Fear, Love, Marriage, and so on and so forth.

In Tuesdays With Morrie, Morrie talks about “detaching” from our feelings. I believe this can be summarized as this: Feel your feeling, envelop yourself in it, drown yourself in it, feel all the different aspects of it, and then just let it go. One of the aphorisms of AA is “Let Go And Let God.” I strongly believe that what must do with my feelings is feel them, get used to them, and then give it to God and don’t worry about it anymore.

I recently had a very personal surgical procedure and I was (for lack of better terms) scared shitless. This was less than a week ago. I found the surgery would take place about four or five days before it was to happen. That four or five day wait, I was an anxious, nervous, scared wreck. However, I felt my fear and did my best to give it to God. In AA, I was told several acronyms for ‘FEAR.’

Fuck Everything And Run
Face Everything And Recover

False Evidence Appearing Real

As the days went by, I decided I had to face my fears rather than running away from them. Finally, the day of my surgery arrived. Every time I sat in the hospital bed with my little gown on and got scared, I said a little prayer: “Okay God, I don’t want to feel afraid. Take it away from me. Amen” And it worked! I waited six hours until I could finally go into the surgery room and once they scooted me onto the surgery table, I said a prayer. The next thing I new I was waking up from my anesthetic sleep. Granted I was sore, the point is that they put me to sleep before I even had a chance to really feel afraid or anxious, which is indefinitely a blessing.

It just so happens that I’m actually a lot more blessed than I think I am. Go figure… He’s watching out for me.

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