I remember before I was sent away by the state, I never wanted to be at the house, where I live with my dad and brother. It was really a place to eat, sleep and shower. All other priorities took place away from the house at all possibilities, And then I remember complaining when I got locked up: “I want to go home.”

I believe there’s a difference between a house and a home. Within a home, there is family, love, respect, courtesy and so on and so forth – basically mushy feelings. In contrast, I believe a house to be known as physical attributes of our living. Both can be one, but for others it’s one or the other. Before I was locked up, got back into recovery and accumulated some Clean Time, this house was simply a house. That was all. Nothing less and nothing more… My father and brother lived there,m but I was in and out as I pleased, trampling all over both hospitality and fear.

My dad never really knew where I was. I would sneak out of the house in the middle of the night and not come back until the next day or two. I can only imagine what my brother went through. He was pretty much clueless, I think. That’s not my point, however. My point is that today at this exact moment in time, I can say this house is a home. Herein lies unconditional love, mutual respect and family. That makes me happy.

I came back from a road trip yesterday after I was released from lock down and the entire time, I thought: “I just want to go home and lay in my own bed!!” Yet, I took for granted what was around me. I was on top of a mountain, in the middle of bluebonnet fields and I was in the midst of peace, serenity and God’s Creation. The only thing going through my mind until yesterday was, “When do I get to come back home? I can’t wait to get out of here!” Granted, I did do a little photography, a little drawing and a considerable amount of writing, I believe I handled these situations all wrong. Until yesterday.

The only thing on my mind up until yesterday was ‘rush rush, busy busy.’ It was Spring Break – vacation! Not only vacation, but my first week finally free and with my family. On top of all that, we went to some pretty neat places that I completely took advantage of. Yesterday, I was in the bluebonnet fields and trying to make conversation. My dad stopped both my brother and I and asked us to just listen. I bargained with God to please let this moment be over with. The faster that ‘listening’ moment passed, the faster we’d be on our way through the trail and the faster we’d be on our way home.

Except for the fact that something spoke to me during that “moment of silence.” I told myself (or maybe it was God), “Maybe you should just listen. Isn’t this peaceful? It’s serenity.” And then it hit me. I was so busy caught up in my own wants and needs that I was oblivious to what God wanted to show me. After that moment, I said a quick prayer: “Thanks, God. Please let me enjoy the rest of this day.” Later on, my dad shot pictures of my brother, Ryan, and I in the bluebonnet fields and I had a blast. Except when dad lost his cell phone in the field, but that’s a typical occurrence in our family. We’re just clumsy like that, I suppose.

While dad shot Ryan and I in the field, I want at peace with myself. I knew where I’d come from, I knew where I’d been and I knew who I wanted to be. And I was totally okay with that. It was an amazing feeling of utter contentment.

Later on, I decided it’d be a great idea to make a 10-item gratitude list. So I wrote it in my journal. Here it is:

Family
Shelter
God
Recovery
Rehabilitation Centers
My past
My present
My future
My freedom
The ability to sense

I want to challenge anyone who reads this to think of five or more things they’re grateful for and write them down. It’s something that’s always helped when I was having a down day. I guess it’s part of re-writing those old tapes in our heads we’ve told ourselves for years I always thought incredibly negatively and now when I have a negative thought, I’m able to stop, pause, rewind and rewrite it the way it God meant for it to be.

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Love and tolerance of others is our code.
– Page 64 of Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

I’ve tried to run AA/NA meetings on this topic, but it seems as if everytime I try, everyone else takes it as a chance to explain their quirks and pet peeves. That’s not what I want to talk about when I try to remind them that the code of AA really is pity, patience and tolerance. Along with acceptance. The lessons that AA gives up all tie into each other into a nice little package. After all, it is a SIMPLE program for complicated people.

One thing I fear the most is tolerating people. This is because a lot of the time, I just want to run away from all my “negative” feelings like being annoyed. I want to put a filter on all my hateful thoughts that come my way. Again quoting AA, one of the sayings is that you can’t control that first thought, but you can control what you do about it. Yesterday, I was really tested in the subject of tolerance and acceptance.

I had an arguement with my dad over petty decisions and it ended when I had to go upstairs, take a breather, and calm down. I’ve abused my father in the past, and I make it a daily thing to give my anger to God so that I don’t have to be that hateful person anymore. But today, all I could think was: “I cannot live with this man. It’s impossible. I’m going to end up getting into troube because I want to rebel, and I’ll get locked up again, and and and…” I automatically presumed the worst when really all I had to do was accept what he had to say, have a little patience and tolerance, and MOVE ON.

I journaled about it later when I was still upset, and said, “I’d rather be back at rehab than live in the free where I can mess up.” When I think back on this thought, I believe I must’ve been delirious. Or maybe I was just expressing how I really felt at the time without being any kind of rational. I think the point is that I seriously need to take a step back and realize that I’m NOT going to like everything everybody does, but I do have to accept it – especially if it’s an authority figure.

I’ve never liked authority figures. They intimidate me. And while my dad’s really and truly just a big teddy bear, he can scare the crap out of me and just plain piss me off. I don’t think it’s really HIM that makes me so angry, but my selfishness, self-centeredness, and the fact that I’m extremely egotystical – which is pretty much how all addicts are.

Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest …

What usually happens? The show doesn´t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn´t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame.

– Page 60 and 61 of Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

At this point in time, the actor (or actress in this case) is extremely frustrated. I want to blame others for the way I feel, I want to believe that life is not fair and doesn’t treat me right; I am not happy with the play at all. And this is where I must accept. There’s a bit in the Big Book that I absolutely love on acceptance, and I often find myself saying it. When I want to, anyway. Sometimes I think it’s OKAY to be a complete bitch to everyone and I hang on to my petty resentments, even if theyare the number one offender and lead only to a life of futility and unhappiness.

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

–Page 417 in Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book (Fourth Edition)

So today, I will choose to accept things that come my way. I’m allowed to be frustrated, but after feelings all aspects of it, I will give it to God, because he’s the only one who can deal with it HEALTHILY. Next time my dad and I get into altracations or conflicts, I will remind myself that I am not the director and that I need to just accept what he’s saying. After all, patience is a virtue, is it not? I believe we could all use a little patience in our life!

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