My schedule isn’t half as jam-packed as it used to be in my past sobriety and I don’t necessarily think I’m wearing myself too thin… yet. I feel it coming on if I don’t try to stop adding things on. So far my schedule looks something along the lines of this: On weekdays, I go to school from 7:30-2:30 and catch a meeting around 8pm. On Mondays, I have orchestra rehearsal from three o’clock until five, which is when my bass teacher then picks me up from school and we go back to the house for an hour long lesson. UIL contest is in a week on next Saturday, so we’ve really been preparing for contest with our picked pieces as well as sight-reading.

Wednesdays, I report to my Probation Officer, followed by a women’s meeting on that side of town with my sponsor and then I go out to dinner with them. For now, that’s my set schedule aside from the TAKS tutorials on Saturdays. Sunday, I try to go to a meeting as well. Next year is going to be a struggle though. I have the rough draft of my courses picked out and it seems like it will most definitely be a challanging year, but I’m up for it.

My year should consist of Orchestra, Newspaper (I’ll be a reporter, next year I’m an editor.), Chemistry, US History, English IV, and Algebra II. It’s flexible, so that’s a good thing, especially since next year in August, I REALLY want to try out for Volleyball. Plus, after this first month of probation (which I have a week left for it to be a full month), I’m allowed to go job hunting! Yay! I’m thinking retail for now just to get me on my feet. Fast food is not an option, simply because it’d probably make me super sick to my stomach.

I’m also trying to get some college credit before I actually apply, that way I’ll have a good start. In Texas, we have dual-credit high school courses, which is where you can take ONE class and it counts as both high school and college credit. I’m doing that for US History and English IV. So yeah, next year will definitely be intense but I’m looking forward to staying busy with school, work, and orchestra. That way I’ll have structure and be pretty grounded.

Lately, a lot of old people from my past have been popping up. Mostly ex-boyfriends. The boy I was so anxious to see that came back to school last week and I are alright. I’m trying to keep our friendship strictly at school, and so far it’s working. I guess it helps that I’m on house arrest. A really good friend of mine I’ve known since I was 12 also popped up out of nowhere the other day and we had a really nice talk and we plan to keep in touch. Now that he’s 18 and I’m 17, we’re bound to see each other soon because I’m planning a road trip to go see him once I get my license. Eventually. All things will happen in good time.

Then there’s the biggest person of all that’s back around. I hadn’t heard from him in year, due to being locked up. He lives near me and him and I were REALLY close. We went through a lottt of things, including relapsing together. Well, I saw some of his family at a meeting the other day. It was actually the same meeting where I had met him. Long story short, his family’s trying to get back on their feet again. So I exchanged numbers with his sister and when I called her, he picked up the phone. We talked for less than a minute because he was fixing light fixtures, but it was so nice to hear from him…

He’s not “completely sober” in his words, but he said it’s working for him. I’m not quite sure if it really is or not, but I really hope it is for I wish him ONLY the best in life. After we talked, I had a lot of old feelings come up. When I first saw his family there, I almost cried. Seriously. It was so weird, because I hadn’t seen them in SO long and I was just scared of what they would think. But I shared and after the meeting, they said I looked and acted SO much healthier. Yay. I just wish things could change for him like they did for me. And they might… They might not. Whatever happens, it’s God’s will.

The feelings I felt regarding him were most along the lines of guilt and shame than of happiness and joy. That bothered me. I really don’t know what to think right about now… I’ve had thoughts of calling him, but I’m still undecided. I do, however, remember that when I saw his family in that meeting, all I could thing was: “Okay, God, you can STOP throwing crap at me now!!” And it was funny at first until I realized that now I have to deal with my feelings. Real, gut-wrenching feelings, not just superficial “Oh, I’m mad. What am I really feeling?” feelings.

I have a lot of old resentments coming up recently, and I’ve been working my hardest to deal with them along with God. I do, however, know that resentments are the number one offender and they lead only to a life a unhappiness and futility (page 64 of the Big Book). I have yet to talk to my sponsor about it yet. I’ve been waiting for her to be available for us to go over some step work so I can talk to her. Lately she has been very busy. I saw her today at a meeting and she had to go straight to work. After she chewed me out about not calling her last night.

Last night, I went to a Geek Gathering at Coffeegroundz. It wasn’t bad. I got to meet a lot of my dad’s friends who helped him with putting up posters from when I had ran away. It was kind of a celebration of my homecoming, was what dad said.

Tonight, I’m going to a play about a teenage girl and her venture through the social media world. It’s called Wallflower. I’m excited to see how it all goes, and I’ve promised to blog and review it afterwards. I have lost of ideas for what I want to do with this blog, it’s just putting into action that is the hard part.

I want to start doing music reviews not only because music is my number one passion, but because I need practice for Newspaper next year as well as it’d be a GREAT opportunity to combine both my main passions in life – writing and music. So I’ve got some things in mind. I actually really want to do a Self-Injury article again after watching The Secret Cut that came out this year for Self-Injury Awareness Day. It was really good, and I really want to reach out to other self-injurers.

Like I said before, it’s just a matter of putting my plans into action. There’s a lot of things I want to happen here and they should be happening soon.

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Love and tolerance of others is our code.
– Page 64 of Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

I’ve tried to run AA/NA meetings on this topic, but it seems as if everytime I try, everyone else takes it as a chance to explain their quirks and pet peeves. That’s not what I want to talk about when I try to remind them that the code of AA really is pity, patience and tolerance. Along with acceptance. The lessons that AA gives up all tie into each other into a nice little package. After all, it is a SIMPLE program for complicated people.

One thing I fear the most is tolerating people. This is because a lot of the time, I just want to run away from all my “negative” feelings like being annoyed. I want to put a filter on all my hateful thoughts that come my way. Again quoting AA, one of the sayings is that you can’t control that first thought, but you can control what you do about it. Yesterday, I was really tested in the subject of tolerance and acceptance.

I had an arguement with my dad over petty decisions and it ended when I had to go upstairs, take a breather, and calm down. I’ve abused my father in the past, and I make it a daily thing to give my anger to God so that I don’t have to be that hateful person anymore. But today, all I could think was: “I cannot live with this man. It’s impossible. I’m going to end up getting into troube because I want to rebel, and I’ll get locked up again, and and and…” I automatically presumed the worst when really all I had to do was accept what he had to say, have a little patience and tolerance, and MOVE ON.

I journaled about it later when I was still upset, and said, “I’d rather be back at rehab than live in the free where I can mess up.” When I think back on this thought, I believe I must’ve been delirious. Or maybe I was just expressing how I really felt at the time without being any kind of rational. I think the point is that I seriously need to take a step back and realize that I’m NOT going to like everything everybody does, but I do have to accept it – especially if it’s an authority figure.

I’ve never liked authority figures. They intimidate me. And while my dad’s really and truly just a big teddy bear, he can scare the crap out of me and just plain piss me off. I don’t think it’s really HIM that makes me so angry, but my selfishness, self-centeredness, and the fact that I’m extremely egotystical – which is pretty much how all addicts are.

Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest …

What usually happens? The show doesn´t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn´t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame.

– Page 60 and 61 of Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

At this point in time, the actor (or actress in this case) is extremely frustrated. I want to blame others for the way I feel, I want to believe that life is not fair and doesn’t treat me right; I am not happy with the play at all. And this is where I must accept. There’s a bit in the Big Book that I absolutely love on acceptance, and I often find myself saying it. When I want to, anyway. Sometimes I think it’s OKAY to be a complete bitch to everyone and I hang on to my petty resentments, even if theyare the number one offender and lead only to a life of futility and unhappiness.

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

–Page 417 in Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book (Fourth Edition)

So today, I will choose to accept things that come my way. I’m allowed to be frustrated, but after feelings all aspects of it, I will give it to God, because he’s the only one who can deal with it HEALTHILY. Next time my dad and I get into altracations or conflicts, I will remind myself that I am not the director and that I need to just accept what he’s saying. After all, patience is a virtue, is it not? I believe we could all use a little patience in our life!

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