Sunday, March 29th, 2009
So, I just got back from watching the Houston Symphony perform in an extravagant concert of (dun dun dun) Bach vs. Vivaldi. It was so neat. They played two of Bach’s Brandenburg Concertos, one of which I’ve actually played an arranged version of for Honors middle school orchestra. They also played an oboe concerto and an utterly amazing and simply beautiful baroque concerto for two violins in A minor. It was gorgeous!!
While we had intermission, dad started asking me questions about while I was on the streets. They were short and simple questions, yet for every answer I felt as if I had to explain myself in addition to a LOT of shame, guilt, and remorse. I talked about some of my “friends” I had while I was out there. When he asked me where I slept, I told him about different people telling me where to stay. Not only was there pang of the typical shame and guilt, but frustration at not being able to explain the way -I- wanted to.
I’ve been wanting to write a book, specifically a memoir, for years now. I started writing one while I was in rehab, called Life on the Streets, but my story is so much more than that, although that really is a huge chunk of all the terrible crap I had to go through to get here where I am now. Which kind of leads me to my next subject. Friends.
In AA, they say there’s only one thing we have to change: Everything. I’ve always liked that saying. When I talked earlier about feeling alone at school because I barely knew anyone and the people I DID know, were pretty much horrible influences, I was surprised at myself. I was in girl scouts for several years when I was in elementary school and the one thing I’m constantly reminded of is this:
Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold.
– Girl Scout Song
We would all sing it, holding hands in a circle. But I think that there should be another part added onto simplified to, “make new friends, keep the GOOD old ones, and TRASH the ones that are negative influences.” How I would rearrange that into girl scout fitting song format, I have no idea. That’s my theory, though. I’ve been experiencing a LOT of anxiety actually lately, because an old friend of mine that was ALWAYS there for me, and I was ALWAYS there for him is coming back to school Monday.
He really should have been there when -I- got back, but apparently he got into a lot of trouble and was either expelled or put somewhere else. I have no idea what the story is. I am, however, feeling very scared about the entire situation. He got me into SO much trouble and was also a “drug buddy” of mine, regardless of how much we were really “here for each other.” I was expelled and put in Campus Alternative Educational Program because of him as well as getting kicked out of court ordered classes, and so on and so forth. I could definitely go on, but I’ll spare thee.
Anyway, my point is it’s going to be REALLY hard to deny him any friendship, attention, or even acknowledgement come Monday. I know if I do talk to him. even ask him how he’s doing, things won’t go well, because he’s still using and still doing the same things that I’ve moved away from. So I’m scared of being sucked right back into my old habits and behaviours. So I will most definitely be relying on God, AA, and my sponsor. I actually just talked to my sponsor and these were the gist of her words: It’s not like you can just run away from him when you see him, because y’all have a history. You can however, keep it strictly at school and make it VERY clear that you cannot hang out.” So really, maybe I’m just getting too scared for nothing, but I don’t know.
It’s the first time I’m facing wanting to hang out with someone old that actually wants to hang out as well. I’ve tried reconnecting with old GOOD influences, and most of them want nothing to do with me because of my past. Which doesn’t bother me, because that’s how life goes. People come and go… I guess it’s just that sometimes you don’t want them to go, and they don’t want you to go either. But when it’s best for the both of y’all, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. So I’m going to put my big girl pants on and deal with this crap head on.
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Tags: Add new tag, bach, Brandenburg, CAEP, change, change everything, concerto, drugs, friends, friendship, friendships, frustration, girl scouts, guilt, houston symphony, life, oboe, old friends, past, remorse, shame, streets, symphonyorchestra, violin, vivaldi
March 30th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
“make new friends, keep the GOOD old ones, and TRASH the ones that are negative influences.” Great insight in this. For me, when thinking about friends, old and new, there is really only one question… Are they supportive of my journey in becoming the person I want to become or do they hinder me every along the way?
The answer to this isn’t always a simple one, never black and white, for sure. But if I take the time to step back and look at a friend’s words, actions, behavior…and take an honest assessment of their support for who I am, who I’m trying to become…or the lack thereof…I get a clearer picture of the authenticity of their friendship.
True friends for me, aren’t just about a history, or knowing all the good and bad that make me who I am today … but rather, those who truly understand my authentic self and respect me, my boundaries, and support me along the way of growing into what God has created me to be.
I have friends, even today, who I would love nothing more than to get together with and move beyond the “history” that is there (the bad baggage part) and sometimes I think, “I can do this and be myself (my true self).” But then, I connect with them and the old tapes play, hints of old behavior creeps in, and when I’m done talking with them I feel all ishy . . . like, “who the heck was THAT person talking to them?”
It’s at times like this that I can step back and say…I’ve come too far and I know who I want to be today…and I respect and love myself enough to choose friends who will build me up and help me grow and I them in return, rather than settling for being around people who, whether intentionally or not, bring me down or make me feel worse for having connected with them.