Change

My mom came into town today and we had an amazing talk while walking around the lake by my house. She and I conversed about everything there was to talk about – relationships, boys, and change. I also recently packed up all my old journals I had ever written into a huge steamer trunk and tucked the trunk under my desk. I’ve been writing in journals consistently for about eight or nine years now. i had a lot of stuff to tuck away. I also stumbled upon an old blog that I wrote in particularly when I was high or drunk. All this made me think a lot: I’ve changed a LOT.

I have come so far, and now I finally believe it myself. People told me this all the time, while I was in placement as well as soon as I got out but I never believed them until now. I have come from a trashy girl who could’ve give a flying flip about anything in life to a person who cares and tries to help the next suffering person. “You have to give it away in order to keep it,” is a powerful aphorism in AA. I don’t think I can convey words well enough to describe who I used to be, but I can certainly try. I was a very hateful, angry, selfish person. I did many things that today i look back at and instead of regretting them, I can learn from my mistakes. Today, rather than making mistakes and continuing to do so, I try to change what I did that was wrong to what might be right in God’s eyes.

I don’t have to be the same person I was before and I don’t have to continue to live that old lifestyle. That’s what changing in the RIGHT or GOOD direction is about. So many of us make mistakes, realize it, and continue to do the SAME thing. I strive to break that mold by experiencing God consciousness. God consciousness can be defined as simply being aware that He is in our presence. He’s watching out for us and He wants us to know he’s there.

Today, an old using friend of mine is supposed come back to school from wherever he went (Behaviour Learning Center or expulsion) and I’m pretty scared. Granted there might me a chance that he doesn’t come TODAY because he might have missed days there, the point is that I’m pretty much scared shitless. I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to associate with him, and I definitely do not want to be in the same building as him. Yet, the sad part is that he hasn’t the slightest clue of what’s in store for him. In fact, I don’t even think he knows I’m back yet, unless someone has told him. It’s not like I’m going to approach him and cuss him out, because he didn’t really do anything. In fact, that’s exactly right. He didn’t do anything! He’s still living the SAME way as when I left, and I have changed.

We were really close friends and I care about his well-being, but really… If I’m around that kind of lifestyle that I used to live, it won’t take long for me to go back. I simply cannot be around it. There’s a song I’m listening to that really reminds me of my situation…

“Breathe (2 AM)”

2 AM and she calls me ’cause I’m still awake,
“Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don’t love him. Winter just wasn’t my season”
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You’re all here for the very same reason

‘Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe… just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
“Just a day” he said down to the flask in his fist,
“Ain’t been sober, since maybe October of last year.”
Here in town you can tell he’s been down for a while,
But, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I’ll just sing about it.

Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe… just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There’s a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout ’cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to

But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

– Anna Nalick

My dad tells me that blogging is cheap therapy, and I believe that. Today, I have to breathe and take things as they come. Hopefully, I can prevent the mistakes that could happen with his home coming. I should probably stick to myself and surround myself with positive people… I have to make sure that I’m honest as well. Yesterday, I went to a local meeting and the topic was being honest with ourselves. That’s something I have to watch out for, because it’s JUST like me to try and be friends with this boy again and not tell anyone. I have to realize and keep it in my head that he’s not an example of what I want in my life, therefore I can’t do it. I just can’t. And yeah, it hurts, but I’m just going to have to get over it…

Change is vital.

I’m off to school.

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Tags: AA, anna nalick, aphoirsm, blog, breath (2am), breathe, change, changes, changing, God, god consciousness, journals, lifestyle, lyrics, mistakes, mold, old friends, therapy, you have to give it away to keep it

This entry was posted on Monday, March 30th, 2009 at 11:31 am and is filed under AA, God, Insight, School Life, strength. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.