It’s been about a month since I graduated and left for the trip. In the last month I’ve gained more awareness for the events in my life than I’ve ever had. It’s been incredible. My graduation was a HUGE milestone in my life. Not so much the ceremony, but the fact that I did it! I graduated! And I busted my ass. At one point I was a little less than two years behind, but I caught up and graduated after 12 years of school. After reflecting on that a little more, I began to realize just how much I am able to accomplish. I realized that I sell myself short a LOT and I don’t give myself enough credit for the things I’ve experienced and accomplished in my life.

The Wilderness Trip was the most physically, emotionally, and spiritually challenging thing I have ever experienced in my 18 years of existence. And it was amazing. I would have to say the two hugest things I gained on the trip were a sense of self-esteem and a newly built faith. My self-esteem has sky rocketed from the trip. It started with realizing my accomplishments and seeing how I’ve changed over the years and eventually, even the physical aspect of my self-esteem followed suit. I feel beautiful emotionally AND physically, confident, and capable.

The couple days at base camp were nerve-racking. I wasn’t sure why I had signed up anymore and I was extremely fearful of what was to take place over the next few weeks. After Brian died last year, I spent a night with my sponsor at the time, Rachel. We were in the back yard that night and a doe came up to the fence and it was far from skittish. Rachel looked at me and said, “That’s Brian.”

When I got to Oregon, we opened with a huge meeting the first night and talked about why we wanted to go on the trip in the first place. Honestly, I don’t know why I signed up. I don’t think I realized it then, but I know the only thing holding me back was fear. I didn’t know if my schedule would work out for the workouts or if I would even be done with school by the time we had to get on the plane, but everything worked out perfectly. That was a sign from God that I needed to be there.

After listening to several people share, a bunch of deer were walking around our meeting spot. Some people got distracted and some people didn’t really notice. I thought it was really symbolic and I felt God’s presence. From that day on, deer showed up almost every day and it was incredible to witness. I shared it with one of the guides who was on Brian’s trip team last year, Kodak, and she told me in Native American cultures, deer symbolized gentleness.

The next night was our last night as a one group. We had a meeting and picked dog tag prayer buddies out of a bag. Our goal was to pray for this person on our dog tag when we were hurting and wanted to give up. For me, the dog tags caused a ripple effect. The next 16 days were spent backpacking in the Eagle Cap Wilderness Area. We hiked at insane incline and declines in and out of snow, we hiked several 10mi days, we got stuck in a snow storm for 2 days and stayed in a make-shift shelter on a porch of some historical cabin replica, we walked through HUGE river crossings on logs up in the air, and we walked through fear.

There were a lot of times when every fiber of my being wanted to stop moving and give up and go back to Houston. A lot of those times, I had melt downs and I’d yell how much it sucked and how I hated Oregon. Every time I did that, though, my team was able to knock some sense into me. But some of those times, I stayed silent and prayed. I prayed for my dog tag buddy, and that got me praying about the people on my team, and the people on the other patrols, and every one back in Houston. Like I said – a ripple effect. Those were the times I was able to encourage others and lead by example.

There were moments when I wanted to quit and I was very verbal about it, but there were times when I had complete faith that God was going to get me through the day and He wasn’t going to give me any more than I could handle as long as I relied on him and relied on the unconditional love of my team.

I grew closer to a lot of people. I built some awesome friendships with people I had been in meetings with for over a year, but had never spoken to. I was given a lot of feedback and one of the main things that eventually I started to realize was that I don’t give myself a lot of credit for the good that happens and the good that I accomplish. A lot of the trip I spent thinking about how I was extremely dramatic and I was embarrassed about a lot of what I said. After a while though, I was also able to realize the good things I did, even if I struggled to do it.

I peaked an 8000ft mountain, I got through 16 days of backpacking in the wilderness with nothing but a 40lb pack and 11 other people that understood me and weren’t afraid to love me just as I was, even when I was too afraid to love myself.

One thing Kirk said after we got back to base camp from our hiking was along the lines of this:

Nothing in life that we have today is something we haven’t busted our asses for and worked hard for. Nothing in life that we have today is something that could have been accomplished without the love of the people around us and God.

(Sorry if I didn’t do it much justice, it was one of those had-to-be-there motivational speeches)

After 16 days of backpacking, our team made it back to base camp and we were with the other patrols again. It was such a great feeling to see everyone again.

We camped with the other patrols for a night and then spent 5 hours on a bus to go white water rafting in Snake River/Hells Canyon. I was really scared because I had never really been on a boat or raft or anything in a large open body of water, let alone a large body of open water with rapids. It was an intense experience. The food was AWESOME. I think I ate more than I’ve ever eaten in my life in a 3 day span. And then there was the whole ordeal where we hit a HUGE rapid, and I fell out of the raft and had to get pulled back to the raft after freaking out and hyperventilating like a crazy person. But we don’t speak of that.

There were a couple times I got really insecure and a couple of times where I just broke down in Hells Canyon. I felt like I hadn’t gained anything from the trip, but I think I wasn’t allowing myself to feel that I had gained anything. The last days of the trip went by pretty quick and the plane ride home, all I wanted to do was sleep.

But the most incredible feeling was getting off of the plane, not knowing if people would be there to greet us and when we walked towards baggage claim there were at least a hundred people with signs and flowers and smiling faces. Not to mention the ones who were screaming.

I went home that night with my dad, after successfully making people gag at the smell we had acquired from not showering for 21 days. (Yeah, that’s a pretty awesome accomplishment, if you ask me) I came home and my dad gave me the mail that had accumulated while I was gone, all of it congratulating me on graduating. It was better than any Christmas mail I’ve received, that’s for sure.

I spent the next hour in the mirror, trying to brush the rat’s nest in my hair and I think that’s when a lot of the trip hit me. I reflected about how all I could do at times on the trail was keep praying to get through the day. I reflected about how far I’ve come in the last 2 years, and how I’m so incredibly grateful and blessed to live the life I have today, and be the person I’ve become and am still growing to be.

I went to sleep in a bed for the first time in three weeks and I was peaceful.

Overall, the experience was something I wouldn’t trade for anything and I wouldn’t change anything about it, even the semi-permanent nerve damage in my feet from being stuck in the snow storm and getting my boots soaked and cold.

A lot of the noise is back in my life, such as finding a job and coming up with tuition for Junior College in the fall and just responsibilities in general. But I feel recharged. I feel like I can face these events coming up in my life with a sense of peace and I know that God’s going to get me through everything. I know that I don’t have to understand why shit happens in my life, but acceptance will get me far. I’ve learned that comparison is the thief of happiness (Thanks, Stevie) and I know that I can face the world without living in fear, as long as I keep God in my life and stick close to the people that love me unconditionally.

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I’m graduating high school, finally in less than a month. Two years ago, I was a little over a year and a half behind in school due to my using. I’m now graduating class of 2010, my original graduation year when I started elementary school. I have plans for college which seem more realistic than I ever would have thought. I’ve decided to work part time while getting my basics done at community college, then pursue a Masters in Music Education at University of Houston. I’m really excited.

This next month has a lot more in store for me than just graduating. The day after my graduation ceremony, I’m leaving for Oregon with my teen sobriety group. I’ll be backpacking in the mountains for 20 days. It will be the most challenging thing I’ve ever done physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’ve been doing intense workouts with my group downtown twice a week in order to condition myself for 13 mile a day hiking.

I’m really excited to go on the trip. I’ve talked to a lot of people that went in the previous years and they always talk about what a spiritual experience it is.

However, trips like this cost money. I’ve gotten a lot of help fundraising the money so I can go on the trip, but I’m not quite there yet. I need you’re help. I put together a chip in site so I can raise the rest of the money I need. The money will go towards gear, flight costs, etc. Anything helps, so if you’re willing to donate to the Cornerstone 2010 Wilderness Trip, click the following link and then click the orange ChipIn button to the right!

Donate to the Cornerstone Wilderness Trip!

Thank you for any contributions. I’ll be sure to post pictures of Oregon when I get back!

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Saturday intensified all the same feelings time a million. My youth AA sponsor was sharing in a meeting on Saturday and was talking about how something was a “blessing in disguise,” and I remember wishing I had that same outlook. Now that the initial waves of emotions are pretty much over, and I had one on ones with more than ten girls, I feel a little better. I still get in my head and I still get down, but that’s when I have to give it to God.

So back to my first question. I thought all weekend about how I was doing the same crap I was doing when I was getting high. Today, I asked myself how this year (08-09) was any different from my last one year birthday (06-07). At first I couldn’t answer myself. Then again, I wasn’t really holding much of a conversation, I was more concentrated on beating myself up. But now that I look a little closer, I can answer that question. Today I’m willing. Today I’m honest. I was NONE of those things in 06-07. I had to weigh the good and the bad of what happened Friday night with my slip-up. The bad: it happened, I let it happen, and I didn’t do anything to stop it. I let in to my instant gratification. The good: I told my youth AA sponsor the next day first thing, I made amends to everyone that was there, I took suggestions, I felt my feelings, and eventually didn’t let my feelings control me. In 06-07, I would have held on to all of those feelings and not shared them with one person. I probably would’ve self-injured as well.

I got through Friday and Saturday. It’s not Sunday, and I’m still alive. I went to bed happy last night. After I threw myself a pity party, I got out of my head and went to my sober party and danced like a crazy woman. And I had fun. That’s the most important part. So today, I went to church and I heard the preacher say some of the most inspiring words I’ve ever heard in a church that it might as well have been in the big book.

Look forward with hope, and not backward with regret.

Wow. It’s so funny how we use our selective listening, and when you really tune into everything that a person is saying, you can apply it to everyday life. If not, save it for later. Today I realized that I have to have hope and faith in order to grow and make progress. If I hang on to my regret, shame, guilt, resentment, anger, whatever then I have no room to grow. I’m literally blocking myself from the sunshine of the spirit. Today I choose progress not perfection and I live my life the way I should. Someone told me during one of my 1-on-1s that everyone makes mistakes and that doesn’t make people that love you love you any less. She also told me that I had to give myself some time to heal and time to feel, but after that time is up, I just need to move on.

So ultimately, God will always be there for me even when I do manage to completely screw things up. People will still love me for who I am, and those in recovery won’t judge me because they know where I’m coming from. In the end, it’s all good.

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I was once living on the streets and I had no other way to support my habit than to go sell my body. It’s a degrading thing to do, and today I still can’t seem to forgive myself. Yesterday I cried throughout the meeting because all I could think about was how I’ll never belong because of what I was and what I’ve been through. How wrong was I? I’m sitting in a group full of women who in one way or another, been through what I’ve been through and I was completely isolated by my own mechanisms. One thing that a woman shared with me is this: Isolation leads to fear, fear leads to anger, and anger leads back to our old ways like drinking, drugging, cutting, overeating, starving ourselves, and so on and so forth.

I really liked this because ultimately, I think that’s why I relapsed after being dry for thirteen months. I isolated like no other and even had people tell me it was to the point to where it was a character defect. Of course, I shut down and wouldn’t speak to them EVER again after that, because they hurt my feelings. It’s so true, though… My isolation in the past led to my fear of never being wanted. This made me angry because I was mad at myself for isolating and putting myself in the position to not be wanted. I eventually used again and repeating the alcoholic/addict cycle.

Another woman told me something else that I really related to and latched on to. I have eating issues. I either starve myself, or I’ll overeat and either feel disgusting or make myself throw it up. Lately I’ve been eating a LOT, and just not bother to throw it up. I’ve tried a couple times in all honesty, but it wasn’t satifying. Then one of the women told me I was overeating as a defense mechanism. I’ve gained 60lbs. since I quit smoking crack and now? I hide behind my weight, hoping no one will look at me yet at the same time craving that old attention. It’s a lose-lose situation. I’ve gained weight and am now unhealthy, I don’t want to be looked at, yet I still am. Go figure… I guess that’s just the way the world works., People will look, people will judge, and people will come to their own conclusions. Whether I’m an ugly duckiling or a beautiful swan doesn’t matter to other people. What matters is what I think of myself.

In the meeting yesterday, we also talked about success. One of the reasons I was crying was because I have been successful, but I feel like it’s not recognized. I’m off the streets, I have food to eat, I’m getting an education on IMPORTANT things, not the street life and gang banging knowledge. I don’t sell myself short, and I make people deserve waht they get from me. That’s a blessing. Yet, yesterday I felt so sad because I wasn’t recognized. Granted, I was in a meeting where the women don’t really know me on a personal level, I still wanted that recognition.

“Selfishness, self-centeredness. That, we thought, was the root of all our troubles.” is what the big book says. Maybe if I let these wonderful people in and become a part of my life, I’d feel recognized. But I think the important thing I learned last night is this: I was being selfish. “What about me?” I thought, “Why do all these people have such great things to be said about them and I don’t? Aren’t I special too?” I am. I just didn’t think about that at the time. Someone told me I was taking the aphorism, “Think, think, think” too literal. Really, the aphorism is meant to say: Think about something once, think about it twice, maybe even think about it a third time and then just STOP. That hit the nail on the head for me. I love to sit on my pity pot. I used to say I sat on it SO much that it was embellished with all my personal keepsakes, jewels, fur, whatever. The point I was trynig to get across was that I sat on it SO much, it had become my natural state. Yesterday, I feel into my old ways.

What did I do? I talked to my sponsor, I talked to other SOBER women in the program, and I got over myself. I got into the solution instead of wallowing in the problem. I have an appointment next Wednesday for the doctor to see if I need surgery again, and I asked a woman to go with me that’s very dear to me. She’s been through the same things as I have and knows where I’m coming from. Although, I’d love to think that’s RARE, it’s really not… If I sat in a group of women in sobriety and point blank said, “I smoked crack, I sold my body for it, and now I’m living with the consequences,” they’d all probably relate. THAT right there, is the beauty of alcoholics anonymous as well as narcotics anonymous.

Today, I try to live in the solution. A lot of the time I need reminders to stay there and it’s hard. But I’ve come so far for being where I was at. Most people can’t get out. It’s too hard for them. Today, I consider myself a survivor. I’m a strong, beautiful woman and I need to recognize that MYSELf more often…

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Forgiveness usually stems from resentments, which we all know are in lament’s terms: bad. Not only does the big book say, “Resentment is the number one offender,” but also this:

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenanc e and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

Big Book pg. 66

These are my favorite words from the big book aside from the Acceptance prayer.. Okay well maybe the big book is just my favorite book of all times. That’s easier to say. So basically, what this saying is resentments will make you feel like crap. We tried to justify them, but it didn’t work. If we want to grow spiritually, harboring resentments won’t help for if we hang on to our resentments, we will be apart from God. Insanity will continue, and for us, drinking is deadly.

The second meeting I went to on forgiveness is probably what really struck a chord in me. The chairperson talked about how she used to hold resentments about a rape that happened eight years ago. Go figure. Rape is something I’ve been struggling a lot with as far as my feelings. Doctors say we go through a grief process: Denail and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. I believe the grief process is something that all of us go to not only when we lose people, but when we lose something. For me, I lost my drug and alcohol abuse – my main escape into oblivion. I’m now at acceptance with this. I lost my self-injury – I’ve definitely come to terms with this. But with death, it’s a whole different story. It’s so much harder for me to go through the loss of someone I knew, let alone a loved one than it is to grieve for my lost addictions.

Sometimes I think I’m still in denial with my rape. I think about how it happened and I’ll try to justify that it “wasn’t really rape, even if my boundaries were crossed.” I see the insanity in that, but a part of me sees the truth in it as well. I think rape is one of the hardest things to deal with because although there’s a definite line between rape and consensual sex, it’s a whole different story in the realm of molestion, rape, being taken advantage of, etc. etc.

Though I think I’ve dealt with my anger concerning the rape, and I believe I forgive the person, I still feel denial. I guess that’s what I don’t understand about the grief process. Here’s what I found on denial while googling the Grief Process.

Denial, for instance, is a defense mechanism people use to block the conscious recognition of specific information.

http://www.usd.edu/med/som/genetics/curriculum/4DGRIEF4.htm

That kind of hit me hard. So denial is simply a defense mechanism for blocking what really did happen… or did it happen? I guess that’s where I’m confused. I’ve written forgiveness letters to my rapist about how I forgive then and I won’t let them control my life anymore, but I still seem stuck on it. Which brings me to my next point.

The second meeting I was at on forgiveness, I took it more seriously and asked God to speak through other people to me. I think He did. One man talked about how he carried everything that burdens us around in a ten thousand pack of shit. We carry it around and drop off some of it in some places (telling people about it) and then just stuff it back in the sack. Ultimately, they were not letting go. I heard another man speak on how he carried around his little story, or past, in a wagon tied to a string. He spoke of how eventually he had to let go of the string.

I heard a lot of really good things in the meeting and now I think I realize something: I’ve been carrying this CRAP around with me for so long, telling anyone my sob story who will listen. I wanted to feel sorry for myself because it was more comfortable than trying to progress and make something or someone of myself. Today, I see myself as a young woman, trying to rise from the ashes. It’s hard, but I think the biggest think I need to learn is how to let go of things. If I can let go of this one last burden (okay, maybe not “one last”), then I could move on. There are still a lot of things I feel that hold me back. There’s also a list of things that I need to learn to accept and forgive.

There’s a song I REALLY like that I shared with my sponsor yesterday. It’s by a Christian band called Superchick about how God can bring us up out of whatever we’ve been through. Here’s the lyrics:

“Beauty From Pain”

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i’m alive but i feel like i’ve died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i’m slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can’t understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can’t see
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

That’s my processing for the day. On a lighter note, I had my first day of work yesterday. It was long and rather boring and I as only there for four hours. But it pays, and I don’t mind it that much. The guy I work for is a pretty neat guy, and there’s a lot of instruments to play around with while I’m there. Hell, I’m actually seriously thinking about taking up the banjo. They have a 5-string and several books. So I don’t know. Whatever happens, happens. And with that, I bid you adieu.

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Besides my fundamental desire to become the “best” there is in blogging, a lot’s been going on lately. UIL was Saturday and for lack of better terms – we sucked. The judges apparently thought so as well. In both sight reading and contest prepared music we made 2-2-3s. 3 is the lowest score, 2 is in the middle, and 1 in the best. We made no 1s. I’m rather disappointed, but it’s more of a bruised ego than anything. Only one out of our four different string orchestras at school made sweepstakes (1-1-1) and it wasn’t even the top group – they made a 1-1-1 in contest music but a 1-1-2 in sight reading. Oh well. Today we were supposed to get audition music for the next year of orchestra, but our conductor hadn’t run all of it off, so we shall receive it tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it.

My greatest bit of news to share with the world: I have a job! I had an interview to day in response to an e-mail I had written, and I was accepted for the job. I start work tomorrow, and luckily it’s only after school and on Saturday. They’re closed Sunday. Anyway, the place is called World Music, and it’s a local music store right next to my AA meeting. How convenient is that? Quite literally, my AA home group is a few stores down from World Music. Both are within walking distance from the house. Tomorrow, I go in and I’ll be filing, organizing, and cleaning. I’m allowed to teach, but first I must get my own clients and refer them to the music shop. I’ll probably wait for the summer to start teaching again simply because… What’s the point of teaching middle school kids who’ve already had a year of teaching under another instructor? I like the fresh out of elementary school, just picked out their instruments kids. They’re much more fun! Anyway, I think the point I’m trying to make is that I’m VERY excited!

TAKS is coming up as well, and I’m not looking forward to it at all. I had a tutorial to go to this Saturday, but I had to go to UIL instead. Luckily, there’s one more this weekend. TAKS starts next Tuesday and I have testing Thursday and Friday as well. Joy! I plan to spend much of the weekend studying, preparing, and getting LOTS of sleep! I hope to score well on the TAKS tests. I’m also trying to get prepared (or at least start the process) of taking the ACTs and SATs. I need as many shots as I can get at those tests so I can take my best score and apply to a college that I really want to go to. Like Rice University in downtown Houston! That’s been my dream college for a while now, but I’ll probably have to transfer in after I go to University of Texas or North Texas State University for a while. I’ve decided not to go to community/junior college to start out simply because it’s too many transfers and I if I didn’t go to a major university before Rice, that’d be a HUGE leap from community college to a big prestigious school.

Although I have lots of college plans, I must first graduate high school, which is what I’m working on now. I’m taking two college dual credit courses next year – English and U.S. History. Aside from that, I also have to maintain a steady job (World Music, hopefully), eventually get a car, and be able to support myself financially. So, it’s a long process that will most likely take a couple of years, but I’m looking forward to it. It’s nice to be free and to grow and make my own decisions, which is definitely not something I was able to do a year ago.

I celebrated 11 months on the seventeenth of April, so that was really exciting. God’s definitely given me more than enough blessings in life, and I pray I continue! Until next time!

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The boy I was so anxious, nervous, and scared to see did end up coming back to school yesterday. I had a LOT of feelings, and it’s amazing how feelings can change from bad to good. When I first saw him, I walked right past him. He was in an administrator’s office and didn’t see me. I saw him again around lunch and I called him over, which was exactly what I said I would not do. I talked to him and asked him how he was doing and he gave me a HUGE hug. Afterwards, I felt like I had quite literally relapsed. I was confused as to why I felt that way – I felt a sense of loss.

What we had can never be again merely because I don’t want to be that same person again, and that’s my choice. Now I face the consequence like there are to every choice that every person makes. We’ve had a lot of memories and that will never change. But what can change is how I handle myself and how handle being around him. I hung out with him a little today and discovered he was still smoking marijuana. I realized that some things change, and some things don’t. After that realization, I thought, “Well, maybe this relationship isn’t meant to end if he’s back in my life.” And today, I mean relationship as friendship, not a physical, sexual relationship. Then I had the master idea to invite him to an AA meeting. We connected on a level today where we both really related to coming back to school after being gone for a while and no one really wants to be around him or me because of our past. That kind of hit me hard.

Then I wondered about how I’ve been doing as far as friends. I still have some old friends I still talk to and hang around even though they’ve seen me use. Even though they never used with me, they can still see a change in me. That’s comforting. Then I wondered how on Earth can I have all these awesome friends — Where did I meet all of these people that are with me today?!?! The answer was recovery. Not necessarily all my friends are from recovery, but most of the ones that still stick around are. That’s when I thought, “He was in the EXACT same position as me a week ago. What can I do to help him?” And that was when I realized I could share my recovery and knowledge with him. In AA, we talk about sharing our experience, strength and hope. Because I’ve been through so much and am now on the other side of it, I can work with others and help other people.

I have yet to actually invite him to a meeting, but after school, I told the boy that I had to talk to him and to give me a call after school. He hasn’t yet, and I don’t know if he will, but if he does, I’ll be here. All I can do is try, for you can lead the “horse” to the water, but there’s no way you can make him drink (my latest aphorism for the day).

I spent a lot of the day reminiscing about all the things he and I have been through. I remember the night he called me around 2 or 3 am, telling me he had just told his mom he was addicted to meth He was crying and I still remember his exact words, “Victoria, I need you.” Granted he might not still feel the same way about me (or I do about him), I still want to be there for him like I was before… Just without the drugs and other risky choices. Whether that’s my compassion for the human race, or me still wanting to hold onto the last little strand of our friendship, I have no idea. I do, however, think it’s for the greater good. Not just for me, but also for him. I realize today, that I can be there for people without getting extremely involved. I want to help and if he declines, I know that through God I WILL get through this, even if I do have to make it clear that we can’t speak to each other anymore.

I went to a meeting last night and got everything off my chest about him and how I felt like i had relapsed maybe not in drugs, but in old behaviours.. Now I realize that God can pull us through anything and bring us to the other side. I journalled a lot about the situation yesterday and even talked to my sponsor about it. I’ve decided to only keep our friendship at school, unless he wishes to attend an AA meeting with me. All in all, I’m here for him if he wants recovery and sobriety. The Victoria that he knew is no longer a part of me and I refuse to let that girl back in my life. I know that everything works out for the best according to God’s will and granted MY will says that I should be happy in ALL situations, I have to learn that some things don’t go the way we wish they would.

Today, that’s okay with me.

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While we had intermission, dad started asking me questions about while I was on the streets. They were short and simple questions, yet for every answer I felt as if I had to explain myself in addition to a LOT of shame, guilt, and remorse. I talked about some of my “friends” I had while I was out there. When he asked me where I slept, I told him about different people telling me where to stay. Not only was there pang of the typical shame and guilt, but frustration at not being able to explain the way -I- wanted to.

I’ve been wanting to write a book, specifically a memoir, for years now. I started writing one while I was in rehab, called Life on the Streets, but my story is so much more than that, although that really is a huge chunk of all the terrible crap I had to go through to get here where I am now. Which kind of leads me to my next subject. Friends.

In AA, they say there’s only one thing we have to change: Everything. I’ve always liked that saying. When I talked earlier about feeling alone at school because I barely knew anyone and the people I DID know, were pretty much horrible influences, I was surprised at myself. I was in girl scouts for several years when I was in elementary school and the one thing I’m constantly reminded of is this:

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold.

– Girl Scout Song

We would all sing it, holding hands in a circle. But I think that there should be another part added onto simplified to, “make new friends, keep the GOOD old ones, and TRASH the ones that are negative influences.” How I would rearrange that into girl scout fitting song format, I have no idea. That’s my theory, though. I’ve been experiencing a LOT of anxiety actually lately, because an old friend of mine that was ALWAYS there for me, and I was ALWAYS there for him is coming back to school Monday.

He really should have been there when -I- got back, but apparently he got into a lot of trouble and was either expelled or put somewhere else. I have no idea what the story is. I am, however, feeling very scared about the entire situation. He got me into SO much trouble and was also a “drug buddy” of mine, regardless of how much we were really “here for each other.” I was expelled and put in Campus Alternative Educational Program because of him as well as getting kicked out of court ordered classes, and so on and so forth. I could definitely go on, but I’ll spare thee.

Anyway, my point is it’s going to be REALLY hard to deny him any friendship, attention, or even acknowledgement come Monday. I know if I do talk to him. even ask him how he’s doing, things won’t go well, because he’s still using and still doing the same things that I’ve moved away from. So I’m scared of being sucked right back into my old habits and behaviours. So I will most definitely be relying on God, AA, and my sponsor. I actually just talked to my sponsor and these were the gist of her words: It’s not like you can just run away from him when you see him, because y’all have a history. You can however, keep it strictly at school and make it VERY clear that you cannot hang out.” So really, maybe I’m just getting too scared for nothing, but I don’t know.

It’s the first time I’m facing wanting to hang out with someone old that actually wants to hang out as well. I’ve tried reconnecting with old GOOD influences, and most of them want nothing to do with me because of my past. Which doesn’t bother me, because that’s how life goes. People come and go… I guess it’s just that sometimes you don’t want them to go, and they don’t want you to go either. But when it’s best for the both of y’all, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. So I’m going to put my big girl pants on and deal with this crap head on.

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School on Monday was … horrendous. I spent two or three hours trying to get admitted because the rehab I was at did not have a working fax machine. Therefore, they couldn’t get all my transcripts in. After three class periods later, I was off to class. My schedule had been established as two core classes: English III and Geometry and all the rest are electives: Study Hall, Student Aide, PE, Journalism and Orchestra. Since I’d been waiting so long, it was already fourth period. Off to geometry.

It went pretty bad. You know those classes where everyone picks on the teacher and on each other, are loud and in general just plain distracting? It was one of those classes. On top of everything else, I had no idea what the teacher was trying to teach because I didn’t pay attention to geometry prior to this school. That’s my loss.

Once I was put out of my misery and the bell rang, I went ahead to my next classes and lunch. I was lonely at lunch, but I survived. The next day was MUCH better.

First period, I had my first orchestra class in a VERY long time, but I think I sight-read the music pretty well. I got a disc on Friday to practice with so I can get the rhythms right. We’re playing pretty basic songs because for now I’m in the lowest orchestra, simply because I hadn’t auditioned for another one and we only have nine weeks left of school.

I had my ARD meeting on Tuesday in the morning and it turns out most of my credits transferred over. I was so happy, I probably could’ve cried. I am .5 credits away from officially being a junior and I plan on taking Distance Courses through Texas Tech while I’m in Ohio visiting my mom this summer. If I don’t go to Ohio, I’ll probably just take summer school at one of the local high schools.

Wednesday was a much better day, as was Thursday and Friday. I have officaliy completed my first week back at school. It’s going very well. I have a friend, who actually came over and we hung out on Friday. She’s good for me, so it’s okay.

I haven’t blogged in forever and for that, I feel sad. I hate to say it, but I feel like Delicate Melody is one of those things where I have a couple of great ideas, I find somewhere to host them, and then I just loose interest. Except I’m not so much loosing interest as I am confused about what I want to do with Delicate Melody and then there’s always the anxiety-provoking and cliché writer’s block. I have, however, been working on a research paper for English. It doesn’t have a name, but the basics of it is this: Find a thesis you want to write about concerning life and then back it up with a literary piece, a historical event, and a current event.

I have decided to write about how media affects our culture negatively. This is what I have so far:

Today’s media is cajoling our culture into a generation of hate, self-loathing, and utter filth. We are being bogged down and intoxicated by what media portrays the standards and morals of the “average” teenage American. We live in a world full of reckless choices: drinking and driving, drug abuse, risky sex and so on and so forth. Our generation today is suppised to lead our tomorrow. We live in such an economically and morally run down world where the average American is unhappy with their lives.

The media makes the people unhappy and live more chaotic lives than we would have left to our own devices. Tuesdays with Morrie is a book based n learning life’s lessons, Morrie, a man who died from ASL (or more commonly known as “Lou Gherig’s Disease”), touches on everal key points on living life and simply being human. Morrie was a sociology teacher at Brandeis University. He said before he passed that, “the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves.” (Tuesdays with Morrie pg. 42) Our culture is sick and the media is the root of our troubles.

Look around you and what do you see and hear? Weight loss commercials and advertisements, fad diets, plastic surgery, even diet pill advertisements. They say that there’s always room to improve here in America. That’s far from the truth. People should not change to fit American “standards and morals” to live a successful life. So many Americans struggle with body image.

….

My current even which is what I was working on when I stopped writing is Anorexia. i’ve struggled with eating disorders myself, so I know what it’s life to have poor body image and self-esteem. This is something I feel very strong about. And now that I’m on the other side of it, looking in, I realize that I was unhappy with myself not only because of the choices I made and consequences I faced, but also because of the media telling me what I should look like. All around me, there are models weighing under 100lbs, and here I am twice that, although I haven’t always weighed that much. In my addictions, I weight about 120lbs to 130lbs. Granted sobriety weight is a bitch, I would much rather be bigger than I was before and HAPPY, then utterly miserable and “skinny,” whatever that is.

My historical event for my research paper is “Shotgun Weddings”. When Bristol Palin was forced to hold hands with Levi Johnston at her mother, Sarah Palin, at the Repubican National Convention, something struck me. As I faced my consequences, now she must face hers. Pregnant at seventeen years old and now in a position where she was forced to become engaged, Bristol faces hard times. A “shotgun wedding” is defined as a marriage arranged by the woman and/or the woman’s family when the woman becomes pregnant. This relates to my paper because media and our culture believe that sex is glamorous. It’s fun and risky, therefore we should all do it. When really, people are ending up pregnant and with STDs. This is something I feel strongly about as well, simply because I’ve been in those kind of positions.

Sex is meant for two people who love each other, not for an adrenaline rush.

All in all… I think life is a learning process. Almost a trial and error thing. If something doesn’t work, do it differently next time. Obviously the drugs, cutting, and believe I was a fat monster didn’t work for me so now I have to work on living a happy, joyous, and free lifestyle. That means doing the next right thing and following what I am SUPPOSED to be doing it. It’s a hard path, but it’s not as hard as the other lifestyle I was living. Something I have to keep telling myself constantly is that the strong are those who change and get to the other side, not the ones that can go through things and then continue to live the same lifestyle. The weak are those who refuse… They refuse to change and their life is Hell.

Maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself, but I think I’ve finally beat my writer’s block.

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Jeremiah 18
At the Potter’s House
1 This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD : 2 “Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.” 3 So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. 4 But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.
5 Then the word of the LORD came to me: 6 “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?” declares the LORD. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel. 7 If at any time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be uprooted, torn down and destroyed, 8 and if that nation I warned repents of its evil, then I will relent and not inflict on it the disaster I had planned. 9 And if at another time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be built up and planted, 10 and if it does evil in my sight and does not obey me, then I will reconsider the good I had intended to do for it.

11 “Now therefore say to the people of Judah and those living in Jerusalem, ‘This is what the LORD says: Look! I am preparing a disaster for you and devising a plan against you. So turn from your evil ways, each one of you, and reform your ways and your actions.’

– Jeremiah 18:1-12 (New International Version)

Wow. What an impact that has on so many people.

We weave ourselves into such intricate ways in which none but God can “unweave” us. We put ourselves in situations where we just keep digging our hole deeper and deeper. All we want is a place where there’s no hurt, no pain, no judgment, no discontentment. But we can be mended!! What great news is that?

“It has to get worse before it can get better,”

That reminds me of the concept of “hitting rock bottom.” They say in AA that we must hit rock bottom before we can fully recover. On the other hand, there’s also a concept called “raising the bottom.” Some people that go into recover early haven’t experienced as much as others. For example, I haven’t had several husbands, gone through divorce, lost my kids, my job, and so on and so forth. I have hit rock bottom, but some people haven’t and for them, all I can say is be grateful!

We can and will be fixed and mended and made into more beautiful creatures than we could ever fathom. It’s almost as if we were once glass and were also completely shattered. Now, an amazing artist has noticed our brokenness and made something even more beautiful out of it as opposed to what it was at first. The artist is God. We are the clay and I truly believe we are to be molded. It’s a forgivable process, where we hurt and feel nothing but pain inside (hitting rock bottom or “getting worse before…”), but later on we are to be beautiful creatures of this Earth and we can function as normal human beings. What a concept!

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about promises that are given to us from God after we take the ninth step (making amends).

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

– Page 82 and 83 of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book

Not only are there promises for addicts in the big book, but there are also promises in the Bible.

I believe that God meant for us to be happy, joyous and free. I don’t think he made us just so we could struggle and barely get by, for that’s not his will.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.

–Jeremiah 29:11-14

All in all… Being clay is what I need to work on. I thought I had it pretty good, trying to be stone, but you see stone is not malleable. The process is painful, but if I can fully rely on God to have control of my mind, body and spirit, I believe great things will happen. You reap what you sew. You get what you dish out. Karma’s a load sometimes, but if I do good (or at least make an effort), I know I’ll make it through. After all, if it weren’t for God looking out for me, I would have been dead several times over by now.

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