It’s been about a month since I graduated and left for the trip. In the last month I’ve gained more awareness for the events in my life than I’ve ever had. It’s been incredible. My graduation was a HUGE milestone in my life. Not so much the ceremony, but the fact that I did it! I graduated! And I busted my ass. At one point I was a little less than two years behind, but I caught up and graduated after 12 years of school. After reflecting on that a little more, I began to realize just how much I am able to accomplish. I realized that I sell myself short a LOT and I don’t give myself enough credit for the things I’ve experienced and accomplished in my life.

The Wilderness Trip was the most physically, emotionally, and spiritually challenging thing I have ever experienced in my 18 years of existence. And it was amazing. I would have to say the two hugest things I gained on the trip were a sense of self-esteem and a newly built faith. My self-esteem has sky rocketed from the trip. It started with realizing my accomplishments and seeing how I’ve changed over the years and eventually, even the physical aspect of my self-esteem followed suit. I feel beautiful emotionally AND physically, confident, and capable.

The couple days at base camp were nerve-racking. I wasn’t sure why I had signed up anymore and I was extremely fearful of what was to take place over the next few weeks. After Brian died last year, I spent a night with my sponsor at the time, Rachel. We were in the back yard that night and a doe came up to the fence and it was far from skittish. Rachel looked at me and said, “That’s Brian.”

When I got to Oregon, we opened with a huge meeting the first night and talked about why we wanted to go on the trip in the first place. Honestly, I don’t know why I signed up. I don’t think I realized it then, but I know the only thing holding me back was fear. I didn’t know if my schedule would work out for the workouts or if I would even be done with school by the time we had to get on the plane, but everything worked out perfectly. That was a sign from God that I needed to be there.

After listening to several people share, a bunch of deer were walking around our meeting spot. Some people got distracted and some people didn’t really notice. I thought it was really symbolic and I felt God’s presence. From that day on, deer showed up almost every day and it was incredible to witness. I shared it with one of the guides who was on Brian’s trip team last year, Kodak, and she told me in Native American cultures, deer symbolized gentleness.

The next night was our last night as a one group. We had a meeting and picked dog tag prayer buddies out of a bag. Our goal was to pray for this person on our dog tag when we were hurting and wanted to give up. For me, the dog tags caused a ripple effect. The next 16 days were spent backpacking in the Eagle Cap Wilderness Area. We hiked at insane incline and declines in and out of snow, we hiked several 10mi days, we got stuck in a snow storm for 2 days and stayed in a make-shift shelter on a porch of some historical cabin replica, we walked through HUGE river crossings on logs up in the air, and we walked through fear.

There were a lot of times when every fiber of my being wanted to stop moving and give up and go back to Houston. A lot of those times, I had melt downs and I’d yell how much it sucked and how I hated Oregon. Every time I did that, though, my team was able to knock some sense into me. But some of those times, I stayed silent and prayed. I prayed for my dog tag buddy, and that got me praying about the people on my team, and the people on the other patrols, and every one back in Houston. Like I said – a ripple effect. Those were the times I was able to encourage others and lead by example.

There were moments when I wanted to quit and I was very verbal about it, but there were times when I had complete faith that God was going to get me through the day and He wasn’t going to give me any more than I could handle as long as I relied on him and relied on the unconditional love of my team.

I grew closer to a lot of people. I built some awesome friendships with people I had been in meetings with for over a year, but had never spoken to. I was given a lot of feedback and one of the main things that eventually I started to realize was that I don’t give myself a lot of credit for the good that happens and the good that I accomplish. A lot of the trip I spent thinking about how I was extremely dramatic and I was embarrassed about a lot of what I said. After a while though, I was also able to realize the good things I did, even if I struggled to do it.

I peaked an 8000ft mountain, I got through 16 days of backpacking in the wilderness with nothing but a 40lb pack and 11 other people that understood me and weren’t afraid to love me just as I was, even when I was too afraid to love myself.

One thing Kirk said after we got back to base camp from our hiking was along the lines of this:

Nothing in life that we have today is something we haven’t busted our asses for and worked hard for. Nothing in life that we have today is something that could have been accomplished without the love of the people around us and God.

(Sorry if I didn’t do it much justice, it was one of those had-to-be-there motivational speeches)

After 16 days of backpacking, our team made it back to base camp and we were with the other patrols again. It was such a great feeling to see everyone again.

We camped with the other patrols for a night and then spent 5 hours on a bus to go white water rafting in Snake River/Hells Canyon. I was really scared because I had never really been on a boat or raft or anything in a large open body of water, let alone a large body of open water with rapids. It was an intense experience. The food was AWESOME. I think I ate more than I’ve ever eaten in my life in a 3 day span. And then there was the whole ordeal where we hit a HUGE rapid, and I fell out of the raft and had to get pulled back to the raft after freaking out and hyperventilating like a crazy person. But we don’t speak of that.

There were a couple times I got really insecure and a couple of times where I just broke down in Hells Canyon. I felt like I hadn’t gained anything from the trip, but I think I wasn’t allowing myself to feel that I had gained anything. The last days of the trip went by pretty quick and the plane ride home, all I wanted to do was sleep.

But the most incredible feeling was getting off of the plane, not knowing if people would be there to greet us and when we walked towards baggage claim there were at least a hundred people with signs and flowers and smiling faces. Not to mention the ones who were screaming.

I went home that night with my dad, after successfully making people gag at the smell we had acquired from not showering for 21 days. (Yeah, that’s a pretty awesome accomplishment, if you ask me) I came home and my dad gave me the mail that had accumulated while I was gone, all of it congratulating me on graduating. It was better than any Christmas mail I’ve received, that’s for sure.

I spent the next hour in the mirror, trying to brush the rat’s nest in my hair and I think that’s when a lot of the trip hit me. I reflected about how all I could do at times on the trail was keep praying to get through the day. I reflected about how far I’ve come in the last 2 years, and how I’m so incredibly grateful and blessed to live the life I have today, and be the person I’ve become and am still growing to be.

I went to sleep in a bed for the first time in three weeks and I was peaceful.

Overall, the experience was something I wouldn’t trade for anything and I wouldn’t change anything about it, even the semi-permanent nerve damage in my feet from being stuck in the snow storm and getting my boots soaked and cold.

A lot of the noise is back in my life, such as finding a job and coming up with tuition for Junior College in the fall and just responsibilities in general. But I feel recharged. I feel like I can face these events coming up in my life with a sense of peace and I know that God’s going to get me through everything. I know that I don’t have to understand why shit happens in my life, but acceptance will get me far. I’ve learned that comparison is the thief of happiness (Thanks, Stevie) and I know that I can face the world without living in fear, as long as I keep God in my life and stick close to the people that love me unconditionally.

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I’m graduating high school, finally in less than a month. Two years ago, I was a little over a year and a half behind in school due to my using. I’m now graduating class of 2010, my original graduation year when I started elementary school. I have plans for college which seem more realistic than I ever would have thought. I’ve decided to work part time while getting my basics done at community college, then pursue a Masters in Music Education at University of Houston. I’m really excited.

This next month has a lot more in store for me than just graduating. The day after my graduation ceremony, I’m leaving for Oregon with my teen sobriety group. I’ll be backpacking in the mountains for 20 days. It will be the most challenging thing I’ve ever done physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’ve been doing intense workouts with my group downtown twice a week in order to condition myself for 13 mile a day hiking.

I’m really excited to go on the trip. I’ve talked to a lot of people that went in the previous years and they always talk about what a spiritual experience it is.

However, trips like this cost money. I’ve gotten a lot of help fundraising the money so I can go on the trip, but I’m not quite there yet. I need you’re help. I put together a chip in site so I can raise the rest of the money I need. The money will go towards gear, flight costs, etc. Anything helps, so if you’re willing to donate to the Cornerstone 2010 Wilderness Trip, click the following link and then click the orange ChipIn button to the right!

Donate to the Cornerstone Wilderness Trip!

Thank you for any contributions. I’ll be sure to post pictures of Oregon when I get back!

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Delicate Melody is designed to improve the lives of others through sharing the experience, strength, and hope of someone in recovery. Delicate Melody started out as a photoblog, but when I was released from a rehabilitation center, I decided to make blogging my new form of “cheap therapy,” as MereWisdom (dad) puts it. Ultimately, Delicate Melody contains my memories and whatever I’m going through in search for inspiration and help others through helping myself, because working with others (in whatever way we can) is what keeps us sober!

Delicate Melody is also designed to be about my music in recovery. My music has changed a lot as I change and like my tagline says: Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. Every day, we do things we don’t want to and trudge on through life. Work, school, etc. etc. Music, I believe, is the ultimate reliever. No matter what kind of day you’ve had, one can always sit back and relax to his or her favorite music. It’s the ultimate American past time. Creating music, however, is something all together different. When I play with a group whether it’s just a garage band or a full symphony, I feel a part of. Everything that happened that day melts away as I make music.

I’ve never known a musician who regretted being one. Whatever deceptions life may have in store for you, music itself is not going to let you down.
- Virgil Thompson

Feeling like we belong somewhere is the most important feeling we as humans can feel. God created us to love and to thrive. A lot of the books in the Bible were written as songs, as means of worship. I was writing an editorial for Journalism at school the other day and I wrote about music’s capability to brainwash. What we feed our subconscious thoughts can determine the outlook of a person. I’ll post that later, once it’s graded and I feel it’s good enough. The point is that for me music is how I keep myself sane in the insanity of the world.

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Saturday intensified all the same feelings time a million. My youth AA sponsor was sharing in a meeting on Saturday and was talking about how something was a “blessing in disguise,” and I remember wishing I had that same outlook. Now that the initial waves of emotions are pretty much over, and I had one on ones with more than ten girls, I feel a little better. I still get in my head and I still get down, but that’s when I have to give it to God.

So back to my first question. I thought all weekend about how I was doing the same crap I was doing when I was getting high. Today, I asked myself how this year (08-09) was any different from my last one year birthday (06-07). At first I couldn’t answer myself. Then again, I wasn’t really holding much of a conversation, I was more concentrated on beating myself up. But now that I look a little closer, I can answer that question. Today I’m willing. Today I’m honest. I was NONE of those things in 06-07. I had to weigh the good and the bad of what happened Friday night with my slip-up. The bad: it happened, I let it happen, and I didn’t do anything to stop it. I let in to my instant gratification. The good: I told my youth AA sponsor the next day first thing, I made amends to everyone that was there, I took suggestions, I felt my feelings, and eventually didn’t let my feelings control me. In 06-07, I would have held on to all of those feelings and not shared them with one person. I probably would’ve self-injured as well.

I got through Friday and Saturday. It’s not Sunday, and I’m still alive. I went to bed happy last night. After I threw myself a pity party, I got out of my head and went to my sober party and danced like a crazy woman. And I had fun. That’s the most important part. So today, I went to church and I heard the preacher say some of the most inspiring words I’ve ever heard in a church that it might as well have been in the big book.

Look forward with hope, and not backward with regret.

Wow. It’s so funny how we use our selective listening, and when you really tune into everything that a person is saying, you can apply it to everyday life. If not, save it for later. Today I realized that I have to have hope and faith in order to grow and make progress. If I hang on to my regret, shame, guilt, resentment, anger, whatever then I have no room to grow. I’m literally blocking myself from the sunshine of the spirit. Today I choose progress not perfection and I live my life the way I should. Someone told me during one of my 1-on-1s that everyone makes mistakes and that doesn’t make people that love you love you any less. She also told me that I had to give myself some time to heal and time to feel, but after that time is up, I just need to move on.

So ultimately, God will always be there for me even when I do manage to completely screw things up. People will still love me for who I am, and those in recovery won’t judge me because they know where I’m coming from. In the end, it’s all good.

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Forgiveness usually stems from resentments, which we all know are in lament’s terms: bad. Not only does the big book say, “Resentment is the number one offender,” but also this:

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenanc e and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

Big Book pg. 66

These are my favorite words from the big book aside from the Acceptance prayer.. Okay well maybe the big book is just my favorite book of all times. That’s easier to say. So basically, what this saying is resentments will make you feel like crap. We tried to justify them, but it didn’t work. If we want to grow spiritually, harboring resentments won’t help for if we hang on to our resentments, we will be apart from God. Insanity will continue, and for us, drinking is deadly.

The second meeting I went to on forgiveness is probably what really struck a chord in me. The chairperson talked about how she used to hold resentments about a rape that happened eight years ago. Go figure. Rape is something I’ve been struggling a lot with as far as my feelings. Doctors say we go through a grief process: Denail and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. I believe the grief process is something that all of us go to not only when we lose people, but when we lose something. For me, I lost my drug and alcohol abuse – my main escape into oblivion. I’m now at acceptance with this. I lost my self-injury – I’ve definitely come to terms with this. But with death, it’s a whole different story. It’s so much harder for me to go through the loss of someone I knew, let alone a loved one than it is to grieve for my lost addictions.

Sometimes I think I’m still in denial with my rape. I think about how it happened and I’ll try to justify that it “wasn’t really rape, even if my boundaries were crossed.” I see the insanity in that, but a part of me sees the truth in it as well. I think rape is one of the hardest things to deal with because although there’s a definite line between rape and consensual sex, it’s a whole different story in the realm of molestion, rape, being taken advantage of, etc. etc.

Though I think I’ve dealt with my anger concerning the rape, and I believe I forgive the person, I still feel denial. I guess that’s what I don’t understand about the grief process. Here’s what I found on denial while googling the Grief Process.

Denial, for instance, is a defense mechanism people use to block the conscious recognition of specific information.

http://www.usd.edu/med/som/genetics/curriculum/4DGRIEF4.htm

That kind of hit me hard. So denial is simply a defense mechanism for blocking what really did happen… or did it happen? I guess that’s where I’m confused. I’ve written forgiveness letters to my rapist about how I forgive then and I won’t let them control my life anymore, but I still seem stuck on it. Which brings me to my next point.

The second meeting I was at on forgiveness, I took it more seriously and asked God to speak through other people to me. I think He did. One man talked about how he carried everything that burdens us around in a ten thousand pack of shit. We carry it around and drop off some of it in some places (telling people about it) and then just stuff it back in the sack. Ultimately, they were not letting go. I heard another man speak on how he carried around his little story, or past, in a wagon tied to a string. He spoke of how eventually he had to let go of the string.

I heard a lot of really good things in the meeting and now I think I realize something: I’ve been carrying this CRAP around with me for so long, telling anyone my sob story who will listen. I wanted to feel sorry for myself because it was more comfortable than trying to progress and make something or someone of myself. Today, I see myself as a young woman, trying to rise from the ashes. It’s hard, but I think the biggest think I need to learn is how to let go of things. If I can let go of this one last burden (okay, maybe not “one last”), then I could move on. There are still a lot of things I feel that hold me back. There’s also a list of things that I need to learn to accept and forgive.

There’s a song I REALLY like that I shared with my sponsor yesterday. It’s by a Christian band called Superchick about how God can bring us up out of whatever we’ve been through. Here’s the lyrics:

“Beauty From Pain”

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i’m alive but i feel like i’ve died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i’m slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can’t understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can’t see
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i’ve cried my last, there’ll be beauty from pain
Though it won’t be today,
Someday i’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

That’s my processing for the day. On a lighter note, I had my first day of work yesterday. It was long and rather boring and I as only there for four hours. But it pays, and I don’t mind it that much. The guy I work for is a pretty neat guy, and there’s a lot of instruments to play around with while I’m there. Hell, I’m actually seriously thinking about taking up the banjo. They have a 5-string and several books. So I don’t know. Whatever happens, happens. And with that, I bid you adieu.

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Besides my fundamental desire to become the “best” there is in blogging, a lot’s been going on lately. UIL was Saturday and for lack of better terms – we sucked. The judges apparently thought so as well. In both sight reading and contest prepared music we made 2-2-3s. 3 is the lowest score, 2 is in the middle, and 1 in the best. We made no 1s. I’m rather disappointed, but it’s more of a bruised ego than anything. Only one out of our four different string orchestras at school made sweepstakes (1-1-1) and it wasn’t even the top group – they made a 1-1-1 in contest music but a 1-1-2 in sight reading. Oh well. Today we were supposed to get audition music for the next year of orchestra, but our conductor hadn’t run all of it off, so we shall receive it tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it.

My greatest bit of news to share with the world: I have a job! I had an interview to day in response to an e-mail I had written, and I was accepted for the job. I start work tomorrow, and luckily it’s only after school and on Saturday. They’re closed Sunday. Anyway, the place is called World Music, and it’s a local music store right next to my AA meeting. How convenient is that? Quite literally, my AA home group is a few stores down from World Music. Both are within walking distance from the house. Tomorrow, I go in and I’ll be filing, organizing, and cleaning. I’m allowed to teach, but first I must get my own clients and refer them to the music shop. I’ll probably wait for the summer to start teaching again simply because… What’s the point of teaching middle school kids who’ve already had a year of teaching under another instructor? I like the fresh out of elementary school, just picked out their instruments kids. They’re much more fun! Anyway, I think the point I’m trying to make is that I’m VERY excited!

TAKS is coming up as well, and I’m not looking forward to it at all. I had a tutorial to go to this Saturday, but I had to go to UIL instead. Luckily, there’s one more this weekend. TAKS starts next Tuesday and I have testing Thursday and Friday as well. Joy! I plan to spend much of the weekend studying, preparing, and getting LOTS of sleep! I hope to score well on the TAKS tests. I’m also trying to get prepared (or at least start the process) of taking the ACTs and SATs. I need as many shots as I can get at those tests so I can take my best score and apply to a college that I really want to go to. Like Rice University in downtown Houston! That’s been my dream college for a while now, but I’ll probably have to transfer in after I go to University of Texas or North Texas State University for a while. I’ve decided not to go to community/junior college to start out simply because it’s too many transfers and I if I didn’t go to a major university before Rice, that’d be a HUGE leap from community college to a big prestigious school.

Although I have lots of college plans, I must first graduate high school, which is what I’m working on now. I’m taking two college dual credit courses next year – English and U.S. History. Aside from that, I also have to maintain a steady job (World Music, hopefully), eventually get a car, and be able to support myself financially. So, it’s a long process that will most likely take a couple of years, but I’m looking forward to it. It’s nice to be free and to grow and make my own decisions, which is definitely not something I was able to do a year ago.

I celebrated 11 months on the seventeenth of April, so that was really exciting. God’s definitely given me more than enough blessings in life, and I pray I continue! Until next time!

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Contest consists of two divisions – performance of prepared music and sight reading. Sight reading is my strong point and I love it. What happens is you get a piece of music that has never been seen by the orchestra before and we have seven minutes to go over it, shadow bow, look at key and time signatures and then play it. If you make any noise while going over the music, aside from asking the conductor questions, you are disqualified. I’m pretty nervous about that one; we have one rowdy bunch of orchestra kids in my class! The conductor can sing the different parts but there is absolutely no playing on the instruments until we play the entire piece. It’s exhilarating!

I’ve also been job hunting – it’s offically been approved by my Probation Officer. After a few days of getting applications and not turning them in, I think I’ve found the ideal job for me. I’ve done this job before and I love it. I want to teach music again. When I started high school, I was still in contact with my middle school orchestera director, and I’d have her refer incoming students to me for private lessons. I had about two or three clients I worked with once a week each and it was amazing. Being on house arrest, I would most likely have to have my students come to the hosue, and I’d also have to get back in touch with my middle school director, which I’m actually looking pretty forward to.

My old middle school director (Ms. C. I’ll call her) always rooted for me from day one. When I started playing, she got me passionate for the music along with my private music tutor. I have a lot of fond memories with my middle school orchestra, as well as not so great. I started in the beginner’s orchestra in sixth grade and by the end of the semester, I was moved to Intermediate – a first for the school to have a beginner move to a higher level in the middle of the year. 7th and 8th grade, I was first chair in the top orchestra as well as first chair regions in the 2004-2005 school year. I went to several camps and improved and improved.

Around seventh grade was when I started getting bad into drugs. I’d do them at school and then go to orchestra class. Ms. C has seen me so messed up out of my mind, but she’s always been there for me. I think I have an ammends to make. I would go to class messed up and have to leave to the nurses office, where my mom would then proceed to drive me to the ER to see if there was anything they could do. I’m so blessed and happy to say that I’ve cleaned up my act as well as my drug addiction.

Speaking of my mom, we had our visit and it was great. She left about two weeks ago and I was pretty sad to see her go, but I’ll most likely be going up there this summer and taking distance leaning courses through Texas Tech, to get some of my missing credits. Mom and I got to bond a lot and it was a lot of fun. We laughed, we played around, we just had a really good time. It was so nice. I’m beginning to think that with sobriety do healthy relationships really come.

All that aside, life has honestly been pretty up and down. My friend continues to tell me that I’m blowing her off, when really… My sobriety is more important than hanging out with friends. It’s irritating because I’d love to tell her that, but I don’t think that she would understand. She doesn’t drink or drug, but she’s also not in the program. She lives in the same town as my probation officer’s office, so everytime I go she asks if we can hang out. And everytime, I have to tell her that I go to women’s meeting with my sponsor and go to dinner afterwards. Which was amazing, by the way. Such a strong group of women!

I don’t know how all that will be resolved, but it’s in God’s hands and for now, I’m not going to worry about it.

I wrote this during my study hall period, and the bell is about to ring for my next class which happens to be English. My favorite! We’re still working on our research paper as well as reading Of Mice and Men. I read that book once in 8th grade and loved it. It’s really nice to read it again. Although I am on a roll and culd probably write for hours, class comes first and now I must depart. Farewell and have a BLESSED day.

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The boy I was so anxious, nervous, and scared to see did end up coming back to school yesterday. I had a LOT of feelings, and it’s amazing how feelings can change from bad to good. When I first saw him, I walked right past him. He was in an administrator’s office and didn’t see me. I saw him again around lunch and I called him over, which was exactly what I said I would not do. I talked to him and asked him how he was doing and he gave me a HUGE hug. Afterwards, I felt like I had quite literally relapsed. I was confused as to why I felt that way – I felt a sense of loss.

What we had can never be again merely because I don’t want to be that same person again, and that’s my choice. Now I face the consequence like there are to every choice that every person makes. We’ve had a lot of memories and that will never change. But what can change is how I handle myself and how handle being around him. I hung out with him a little today and discovered he was still smoking marijuana. I realized that some things change, and some things don’t. After that realization, I thought, “Well, maybe this relationship isn’t meant to end if he’s back in my life.” And today, I mean relationship as friendship, not a physical, sexual relationship. Then I had the master idea to invite him to an AA meeting. We connected on a level today where we both really related to coming back to school after being gone for a while and no one really wants to be around him or me because of our past. That kind of hit me hard.

Then I wondered about how I’ve been doing as far as friends. I still have some old friends I still talk to and hang around even though they’ve seen me use. Even though they never used with me, they can still see a change in me. That’s comforting. Then I wondered how on Earth can I have all these awesome friends — Where did I meet all of these people that are with me today?!?! The answer was recovery. Not necessarily all my friends are from recovery, but most of the ones that still stick around are. That’s when I thought, “He was in the EXACT same position as me a week ago. What can I do to help him?” And that was when I realized I could share my recovery and knowledge with him. In AA, we talk about sharing our experience, strength and hope. Because I’ve been through so much and am now on the other side of it, I can work with others and help other people.

I have yet to actually invite him to a meeting, but after school, I told the boy that I had to talk to him and to give me a call after school. He hasn’t yet, and I don’t know if he will, but if he does, I’ll be here. All I can do is try, for you can lead the “horse” to the water, but there’s no way you can make him drink (my latest aphorism for the day).

I spent a lot of the day reminiscing about all the things he and I have been through. I remember the night he called me around 2 or 3 am, telling me he had just told his mom he was addicted to meth He was crying and I still remember his exact words, “Victoria, I need you.” Granted he might not still feel the same way about me (or I do about him), I still want to be there for him like I was before… Just without the drugs and other risky choices. Whether that’s my compassion for the human race, or me still wanting to hold onto the last little strand of our friendship, I have no idea. I do, however, think it’s for the greater good. Not just for me, but also for him. I realize today, that I can be there for people without getting extremely involved. I want to help and if he declines, I know that through God I WILL get through this, even if I do have to make it clear that we can’t speak to each other anymore.

I went to a meeting last night and got everything off my chest about him and how I felt like i had relapsed maybe not in drugs, but in old behaviours.. Now I realize that God can pull us through anything and bring us to the other side. I journalled a lot about the situation yesterday and even talked to my sponsor about it. I’ve decided to only keep our friendship at school, unless he wishes to attend an AA meeting with me. All in all, I’m here for him if he wants recovery and sobriety. The Victoria that he knew is no longer a part of me and I refuse to let that girl back in my life. I know that everything works out for the best according to God’s will and granted MY will says that I should be happy in ALL situations, I have to learn that some things don’t go the way we wish they would.

Today, that’s okay with me.

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I have come so far, and now I finally believe it myself. People told me this all the time, while I was in placement as well as soon as I got out but I never believed them until now. I have come from a trashy girl who could’ve give a flying flip about anything in life to a person who cares and tries to help the next suffering person. “You have to give it away in order to keep it,” is a powerful aphorism in AA. I don’t think I can convey words well enough to describe who I used to be, but I can certainly try. I was a very hateful, angry, selfish person. I did many things that today i look back at and instead of regretting them, I can learn from my mistakes. Today, rather than making mistakes and continuing to do so, I try to change what I did that was wrong to what might be right in God’s eyes.

I don’t have to be the same person I was before and I don’t have to continue to live that old lifestyle. That’s what changing in the RIGHT or GOOD direction is about. So many of us make mistakes, realize it, and continue to do the SAME thing. I strive to break that mold by experiencing God consciousness. God consciousness can be defined as simply being aware that He is in our presence. He’s watching out for us and He wants us to know he’s there.

Today, an old using friend of mine is supposed come back to school from wherever he went (Behaviour Learning Center or expulsion) and I’m pretty scared. Granted there might me a chance that he doesn’t come TODAY because he might have missed days there, the point is that I’m pretty much scared shitless. I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to associate with him, and I definitely do not want to be in the same building as him. Yet, the sad part is that he hasn’t the slightest clue of what’s in store for him. In fact, I don’t even think he knows I’m back yet, unless someone has told him. It’s not like I’m going to approach him and cuss him out, because he didn’t really do anything. In fact, that’s exactly right. He didn’t do anything! He’s still living the SAME way as when I left, and I have changed.

We were really close friends and I care about his well-being, but really… If I’m around that kind of lifestyle that I used to live, it won’t take long for me to go back. I simply cannot be around it. There’s a song I’m listening to that really reminds me of my situation…

“Breathe (2 AM)”

2 AM and she calls me ’cause I’m still awake,
“Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don’t love him. Winter just wasn’t my season”
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You’re all here for the very same reason

‘Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe… just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
“Just a day” he said down to the flask in his fist,
“Ain’t been sober, since maybe October of last year.”
Here in town you can tell he’s been down for a while,
But, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I’ll just sing about it.

Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe… just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There’s a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout ’cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to

But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

– Anna Nalick

My dad tells me that blogging is cheap therapy, and I believe that. Today, I have to breathe and take things as they come. Hopefully, I can prevent the mistakes that could happen with his home coming. I should probably stick to myself and surround myself with positive people… I have to make sure that I’m honest as well. Yesterday, I went to a local meeting and the topic was being honest with ourselves. That’s something I have to watch out for, because it’s JUST like me to try and be friends with this boy again and not tell anyone. I have to realize and keep it in my head that he’s not an example of what I want in my life, therefore I can’t do it. I just can’t. And yeah, it hurts, but I’m just going to have to get over it…

Change is vital.

I’m off to school.

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While we had intermission, dad started asking me questions about while I was on the streets. They were short and simple questions, yet for every answer I felt as if I had to explain myself in addition to a LOT of shame, guilt, and remorse. I talked about some of my “friends” I had while I was out there. When he asked me where I slept, I told him about different people telling me where to stay. Not only was there pang of the typical shame and guilt, but frustration at not being able to explain the way -I- wanted to.

I’ve been wanting to write a book, specifically a memoir, for years now. I started writing one while I was in rehab, called Life on the Streets, but my story is so much more than that, although that really is a huge chunk of all the terrible crap I had to go through to get here where I am now. Which kind of leads me to my next subject. Friends.

In AA, they say there’s only one thing we have to change: Everything. I’ve always liked that saying. When I talked earlier about feeling alone at school because I barely knew anyone and the people I DID know, were pretty much horrible influences, I was surprised at myself. I was in girl scouts for several years when I was in elementary school and the one thing I’m constantly reminded of is this:

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold.

– Girl Scout Song

We would all sing it, holding hands in a circle. But I think that there should be another part added onto simplified to, “make new friends, keep the GOOD old ones, and TRASH the ones that are negative influences.” How I would rearrange that into girl scout fitting song format, I have no idea. That’s my theory, though. I’ve been experiencing a LOT of anxiety actually lately, because an old friend of mine that was ALWAYS there for me, and I was ALWAYS there for him is coming back to school Monday.

He really should have been there when -I- got back, but apparently he got into a lot of trouble and was either expelled or put somewhere else. I have no idea what the story is. I am, however, feeling very scared about the entire situation. He got me into SO much trouble and was also a “drug buddy” of mine, regardless of how much we were really “here for each other.” I was expelled and put in Campus Alternative Educational Program because of him as well as getting kicked out of court ordered classes, and so on and so forth. I could definitely go on, but I’ll spare thee.

Anyway, my point is it’s going to be REALLY hard to deny him any friendship, attention, or even acknowledgement come Monday. I know if I do talk to him. even ask him how he’s doing, things won’t go well, because he’s still using and still doing the same things that I’ve moved away from. So I’m scared of being sucked right back into my old habits and behaviours. So I will most definitely be relying on God, AA, and my sponsor. I actually just talked to my sponsor and these were the gist of her words: It’s not like you can just run away from him when you see him, because y’all have a history. You can however, keep it strictly at school and make it VERY clear that you cannot hang out.” So really, maybe I’m just getting too scared for nothing, but I don’t know.

It’s the first time I’m facing wanting to hang out with someone old that actually wants to hang out as well. I’ve tried reconnecting with old GOOD influences, and most of them want nothing to do with me because of my past. Which doesn’t bother me, because that’s how life goes. People come and go… I guess it’s just that sometimes you don’t want them to go, and they don’t want you to go either. But when it’s best for the both of y’all, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. So I’m going to put my big girl pants on and deal with this crap head on.

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